For me graduated exposure doesn't do what it says on the tin. But I have also noticed although I make little progress when I have tried it in the past what little progress I did make disappears when I don't. So I started again 2 weeks ago and mapped a journey to the nursery in 10 stages. So far I had only managed stage 3 but this week I managed stage 5 without even thinking about it.
I got down there without too much trouble considering I have not been there for so long. It is about one third into a park yet two years ago I could walk the length of the park and this part was no problem at all on a regular basis. That is what I want to get back to. But it was a good achievement if you want to call it that. I managed to do half the journey. The full journey is something I have never done in foot.
There have been times in the past when I have got close but only very sporadically. If I can eventually get that close again I hope I can keep it up even if I never get there in the end. But I did panic. I panicked when I turned around to go home. My phone had gone off and I answered without looking to find my mum on the other side. I am not the best at phone calls as they agitate me. Suddenly I couldn't get any air and I couldn't get my mum off the phone as I walked back. Over 10 minutes later she was still on the phone but at least I was home. I did overdo it and won't do that for a while but its a point of note. No photo though unfortunately as between my mum on the phone, the panic and a lack of anything there to snap I got nothing.
The week has been reminiscent of two weeks ago, the last time my wife was on day shift. Home alone. All OK and then suddenly feeling ill. Coming on strong, ebbing away and then another crash. Jittery, feeling like I was going to throw up, weak, unrealness, etc. Again it was waves of panic. Again it caught me off guard and had me thinking I was ill and when I saw it for what it was it subsided but that was after a couple of days and I fear I might be premature with that particular prediction. That aside I didn't want it to hold me back regardless of how hellish I felt.
In this image when it was nearing time for my wife to finish work I made a couple of cuppas after making and feeding the boy his lunch then we both went over to her work. I waited outside with the boy who was eager to run in to see his mummy. Sometimes my wife is delayed and it can be anywhere from a couple of minutes to twenty minutes or more. Although I was right outside I stayed there. Going over the threshold would mean no escape and having to wait it out even though I managed it outside- such is the logic. At least I had an escape route if I needed it. So this is where the above was taken, outside waiting. I seem to do a lot of waiting.
