Black smoke, a new pope. Or is it white- I can never remember. Around here it means something is on fire out there. Lots of black smoke filling the sky. Went on for quite a while. Very hard to pinpoint exactly where it was. Could be a factory or could even be on the dual carriageway. Something big anyway given the amount of smoke that kept pumping. That aside nothing to report really. One of those weeks. Could moan about how anxious I have been but I've flogged that horse enough. An indication of life just passing without incident at the moment.
But I will say I am still very fatigued. In fact feeling totally rundown. My engine has spluttered to a halt and belching out black smoke like that image above- or like my car did one night coming home from work. Shattered. Flushed. Fatigued. Exhausted. Like the body has shutdown. Jittery. No energy. Breathless with the slightest movement. Shaky on my feet. All that kind of thing. Feel like I just want to crumple up into a ball and sleep for a few days. Just can't seem to get refreshed after resting and feel as tired after sleep as before. I don't think any amount of sleep will help. Its more to do with energy resources. Its like they are spent and I need to wait for more to arrive. And its a cycle. It affects the appetite and we all know food is what gives us energy. It creates worry over doing the lightest activities which adds tension and creates more tiredness. But at some point it will right itself. I have no idea why or the circumstances that create it but it always does. Just a slow grind waiting for it to happen.
But I should also say I don't have the monopoly on tiredness. My wife has been tired all week too and at times napping. That is something I should be doing but I find when I shut my eyes its like my mind is given free reign to whizz even faster. I lie with my eyes shut for a bit before agitation gets the better of me. I need a good few power naps I think. Just wish there was an on/off switch for the mind chatter to turn off when its time to nap.
Also worth noting that a lot of people, without anxiety, would say: its tiredness, deal with it. In some way true. A lot of the negativity is self talk stemming from the guilt of not being able to be active and also fear of making things worse with activity. Like if my wife called from the shops to say she had heavy bags and needed me to meet her. Anyone would feel selfish and be riddled with guilt if they refused. At the same time I am conflicted because I would fear, I would know, it was going to make me feel worse. Not for 5 or 10 minutes after but the rest of the day and even days after. It is why when I do push myself in this state I tend to leave it as late as I possibly can in the day so I have less time feeling shit after. All that said I would not refuse, couldn't refuse.
I know alot of people push through tiredness. I've done it myself in the past. This is different though. Anxiety related fatigue is different from usual tiredness. If you go to the gym and come home sore you can take some gratification in that and it feels good to stretch out or soak in a hot soapy bath. If however you have done very little but fret and find your muscles are really sore and stretching them brings only more pain then there is no gratification. If you find yourself so weak that you are shaky but expected to just push through it then its not so easy. If you sleep and wake up feeling the same its not much fun. As I said it feels more to do with lack of energy resources to the point of being jittery than from just being tired. Its what I would call an agitated tiredness. Pushing through it you can get things done but feel worse for it.
Anyway I just realised in the first paragraph I said I wouldn't moan and have just written a novella. Moving on...
Lastly a weird one. A bit of fun for a change. Lighten the mood of a dark post. Blow away that black smoke. The girls were mucking about with the younger one doing a mad dance. Not as mad as the photo turned out. A well freaky image. For some reason in between getting their dinner and their bath and then the thereafter they get totally hyper. My wife has always insisted they get bathed every night which I don't see the point in. Part of it is hygiene related but she used to insist it was to tire them out but the evidence would strongly suggest it has the opposite effect. So while they were mucking about wanting their picture taken I tried to experiment a bit. Set a few on longer exposure. What I was looking for was a kind of ghost effect but the result was a lot more weirder than haunting.
