In the dark

I've been doing my best to go out and walk again. In order to do so after a long lay off I have tried to be smart about it. I must confess though that tonight I have not gone for a walk and as I sit here at 20:50 struggling to keep my eyes open I can safely say tonight it won't happen. But I will be back on the ball tomorrow. I do not want to again go too long in between before the rot sets in again.

When I say I am trying to be smart I mean I am trying to give myself the best chance. So for the walks I have thought about the best time to go. When I wake my body is in knots and it takes the best part of the day to unravel them. So later seems best. Also at times I have a bad recovery after walking so it is best that happens later rather than having to endure it for most of the day. It is quieter then too and apart from the odd group of kids or drunk its a more pleasant time to go. So that is what I have been doing and once I am back in the rhythm of things again I will start going in the day too and at busier times.

To be honest I am surprised at how easy last night was. I managed to walk to the library which is a distance for me. Straight to it last night without a problem yet for many weeks at the begining I struggled to get there. So although physically I feel bad for the lay off it just goes to show my progress is not too far damaged. In actual fact only once in 22 weeks have I walked beyond that point which thus far is a one off.

The past two days have been very tough for me. I bring it on myself but for some reason just cannot help it but hopefully the next few days will be better. I have been looking after my 3 year old daughter and 11 month old son from 9:00 to 13:30. It feels longer and it is a bit because my wife leaves earlier than that and doesn't come home till well after that. Both days around 10:00 I've had a panic attack which I have luckily managed to keep in check but still not good. Mainly time and the feeling of being trapped constantly play on my mind while also the fear of having a bad attack while in charge of two young children with no help near at hand. For the rest of the week though my daughter is being picked up from nursery so it will for the most part just be me and the baby which should be easier- especially if he sleeps.

Those 5 hours roughly though seem to be taking it out of me and I think that is why I feel so tired tonight. Its not any effort but the mental exhaustion from continually fighting these thoughts in my head for that time really do take it out of me. On both days around 13:00 I have started to feel really awful in a way I find hard to describe but I now think that is tiredness. With my wife due in soon after I think my body around that time finally gives way to relax and the tiredness comes flooding in.

So I will be making a point of going out more and taking some photographs along the way to hopefully post. At the end of this week I will also start posting my weekly agoraphobia diary once again and see how I am progressing. Hopefully I will keep going forward once again.

Waiting game

I feel I am slowly getting back on track again with regards to the walking. After falling back it is going to take time to find my stride again but hopefully not as long as when I started from being . It could not be helped but if I can find it within me I will get back to where I was quickly. At the same time though I will be sensible and not go straight into trying 3 long walks per day.

Yesterday I managed two walks which I felt took alot out of me so today I will try one later. The second was a bit of a success. It was about equal in distance to the first but I was out longer. The longest walks I have done in the past 3 months have taken about 10 minutes a time. Sometimes the same walk is quicker because I have a tendency to walk to quickly so I consciously try to slow my pace to a more reasonable level. There was one time I was out for half an hour in a very long walk by my standards but that was only once and I suffered a long time after so never again.

On the second walk yesterday I went to meet my family coming back from the shops which I did. As we past the kebab shop though the smell gripped me and I said to my wife that I fancied one. I knew though it was too early to go in so I did not but she took the girls in while I waited outside with the baby boy. That was about a 10 minute wait and the panic surfaced a couple of times but I got through it. OK it would have been better if I had gone in, ordered the food (which was for all of us not just me), waited and paid. So it was tainted but I won't beat myself up too much about that. I still waited even if it was a few yards away from where I should have waited and is a step forward. All in all I was out about 20 minutes. This is something I need to do more often.

The time out is important. I spend so much of the day off my feet even if I am not walking it should help if I am on my feet more often. The waiting game could help. Even if I arrange to wait outside the shops for my wife it would help and then slowly maybe go in. I remember doing this previously and felt better for it.

As I've already said I have a problem with people coming to the house which came after a big panic attack but also after I was made redundant. Being around people is foreign to me- other than my family and this no doubt has an impact. So if I can get out more and be around people, even if not interacting with them, then surely it will help me too. I feel I am stuck in my own world whereas everyone else is in another. The only way I can see to bring the two worlds together is by being around people more.

It can be done. Back at the start of February having not been in the shop for over 2 years I found myself in a long queue inside a cramped shop body to body with people. It was hard but I waited and managed it. So it can be done. I remember at the time I could not believe it and when I got home could not tell my wife who was just out of hospital. That was a really good time for me and I hope to get back there. I know it is possible because I have done it before.