The end of the world maybe not have come as predicted by one at the weekend but here at the top of this little island it has felt like it today. I cannot remember winds ever being as strong as the ones we have had today here in central Scotland and they are continuing through the night. Even the girls were crying when they came home from school because they were so scared. It was the noise more than anything. Our trapdoor to the loft has been rattling around and no doubt some roof tiles have shot off too. Yeah it looks like summer has arrived.
It sounded bad enough but when I took the boy down to the car this morning I didn't expect to be blown off the steps sideways- which I was. And with a grip on the boy's arm he was teetering on the brink of falling over as I dragged him down the garden. What started as a push from the side had me from a trot into a gallop to keep up with the driving force propelling me down the street. Pushed in the back and facing it was a smothering job. Great stuff. And I see quickly on its tail is some more volcanic ash courtesy of Iceland.
Weather aside it has been all quite here. The usual moans. Starting to get out for walks more again after a bit of a barren period. Looking back I see how even panic through visits is eased when I am more active. The nursery run has been a problem and tomorrow I will have to do it again after a two week lay off. Still not getting any easier and if anything getting more difficult as I have built up enough "episodes" now to make apprehension a touch away from panic itself. Still, it must be done.
I've decided though that actions only get you so far. In fact in my experience they keep the guilt at bay a little, ease the hopelessness. Attitude on the other hand makes the real difference but its not something you can just decide on. For example you can't decide to be more robust when panic still scares the life out of you because you will always be at the mercy of it. But I have found I can cope better with it depending on how strong I feel at any given moment. Like that epiphany moment I discussed a couple of posts back. I just all of a sudden felt stronger and more confident and so I was more able to cope with the anxiety symptoms and thoughts I was having at the time to the extent that they subsided. In fact from recording a lot of me recent experiences I see there is a good indicator of coping and that is fatigue- letting go lets the tiredness in as some semblance of peace within is found. Maybe attitude is not the right word. Confidence at least. Confidence built on being in touch with that inner strength and feeling bigger than fear. Its not easy to find but that one time I did I felt a difference inside like I was above it. It was like the panic was big crashing waves and usually I'd be just about keeping my head above water when they hit bit this time I was surfing above them. Panic, and anxiety, didn't stop crashing in but my stance had changed.
There was though something else I wanted to say on that which people have discussed many times. In this I see a purpose for panic. In this I see that were I am to achieve that stance more readily and regularly then I would be a better stronger person for it. I think this experience has made me more compassionate than I was before by a long way and that is something I will never lose. If from it I was also to come out a stronger person then as much as I don't want it at the moment I think I would then look back seeing it as a needed and worthwhile experience. Only though if I come through it. But maybe it was required. Maybe some force of nature, fate or whatever decided that I needed time for self reflection and to pass through challenges that would make my life in the end more enriched. I do think that were I ever to find myself panic free I would be a much stronger person for it than I have ever been in my entire life until now with a better idea of not only who I am but who I want to be. Well if nothing else its a better way for me to look at the current situation.
