Being an insomniac is part and parcel of having an anxious mind that just won't shut up so early rises are not something I look forward to but as a parent must do. Fine. But the boy is making them earlier and earlier. He is still coming into bed with us at some random hour before its time to get up. When I am awake that is it for me. The mind kicks in and it doesn't stop until the early hours of the next day. If my wife takes 5 seconds to get back to sleep then that would be termed having difficulty by her standards- yes I am jealous. My body works in reverse. It is tired all the way through to from waking until after tea time and then it starts to wake up peaking to full alertness sometime after midnight. Maybe its a throw back to the times of nightshift.
And so it was this morning when I found myself up less than 5 hours after I went to bed. I looked out the window to see the moon lower than I am used to seeing it in the sky. All I could think of was how long the day ahead was counting off each hour in my head and what they entailed. The boy was wide awake too but at least at midday he could later catch up on some sleep. My wife and I are of differing opinions. In 9 days time its the boy's birthday and her parents are buying him the new bed my wife thinks will keep him in bed. I will eat humble pie if he stays in there and is not clambering through to our room having kicked off the covers in the chill of morning to seek the heat and comfort of his mother. We will see.
Off on a tangent already. What I wanted to talk about was something after the girls had gone to school. Something I won't forget in a while. My wife had a meeting at her work today for 2 hours and as always wanted to take the boy into the creche so he can interact with other kids instead of sitting home with me watching Mickey Mouse. So at the back of ten we were all set but my wife kept pottering about so I decided to take the boy ahead while she did whatever it was she was doing. It was bloody freezing and I was not expecting it. The fog had lifted revealing blue skies but the cold was still there and the paths had a skin of ice on them. About halfway to my wife's work she caught up with the boy and I and then we all traipsed over. As they went in I made my way home. All fine. That is actually the earliest I've been out for a walk for months. Maybe its the body clock again but I find walking easier when I go out later.
All was fine until I approached home and put my hand in my pocket to get my house keys. It is without doubt the quickest my anxiety has gone from zero, well not quite, to sixty. Microseconds. For an instance I froze before I started shaking. In my head I saw my wife locking the door even though I was out of site by then and then I saw her bag at her feet in a meeting room with my house keys in it. It sounds trivial- why not just go back and get them? Not when panic hits you full on. Its complete helplessness. Intense despair. I didn't know what to do. It was so cold and I was panicking. I couldn't walk and I couldn't sit on the doorstep for two hours.
My body went off on its own. Before I knew it I was chapping a neighbour's door and as I did it I was wondering why. What could my neighbour do? What could I say? And bizarrely as I waited to see if there was a response I found I had walked around the side of the house out of view. My mind and body were going in different directions. It was very scary I have to say. Not only did I not know what to do but I couldn't even get my mind together to try to assess my options. So in order to try to weld both repellent parts together again and also to rest them I sat on the cold doorstep with my head in my hands. Not that it did much good but I thought I had no way out so I had to try to try to let the panic pass.
Well it passed within about 3 minutes. I didn't see it through but what I did see when I lifted my head was my wife coming up the street. Sweet relief. I wouldn't have thought she would have noticed the keys but she did and had come back with them. It was such a good feeling. I was so hyper and adrenaline filled that I walked her back over to her work just glad that I had a place to go again.
From my little fright we had a good day despite the exhaustiveness later that an adrenaline and tension cocktail produce but I can't help thinking to myself why the panic? Of course its habitual now. It kicks in before I am consciously aware and able to nip it in the bud. But really all I had to do in reality was walk to my wife's work, get reception to call her downstairs and collect the keys. But I couldn't because I was immobile before I knew it and my mind was whizzing faster than I could control. Physically frozen to the spot and mentally trying to jump on a merry-go-round which is moving so fast its a blur. A little part of me wonders though what would have happened if my wife hadn't noticed the keys and I had been left out there. Would I have sat freezing for two hours, would the panic have continued and/or would I have eventually gone to my wife's work? I guess I'll never know but part of me would like to know, the other part is afraid of what other outcomes may have occurred. I also know though that one day I am going to find out. Avoidance is a big part of anxiety problems but sometimes fate puts you in a scenario where your fear in unavoidable and you have no choice but to face it. Glad it wasn't today though and feel a tad guilty for saying that but its the truth. On the positive side as a result I walked further than I have walked in months. Every cloud and all that.
No comments:
Post a Comment