Missing out

 A long time ago now I worked my way through a workbook concerning ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). On reflection I was very harsh. For a start this was a book written by two people who had gone to University and learned a craft, applied that to a certain field, constructed a belief in how best to help a specific condition, written a big self help guide to reflect that and gave it to me, and others, at no cost to anyone other than themselves who had to send it from the states. It cost me nothing financially and yet I wasn't very positive toward it. With some reason I have to admit there were things that annoyed me but overall there were may more positives than negatives to take from something that cost nothing. I wish I had not been so harsh. This was a work for these people that they had put a lot into with lots of good analogies and well written. 

Anyway the one part of the workbook that annoyed not just me but lots of people was writing your own eulogy. The idea being that when you see all the things you are missing out on it will make you want to do them. The reason this angered a lot of people is that they know exactly what they are missing out on. They know when they watch a travel program showing the beauty of Croatia on a stop off on a cruise or climbing in Nepal that as much as they would love to do it there is something always stopping them. They know it. They don't need a list. They don't need to ruminate on it but they do. They know if a loved one dies they have not seen for a while that they wished things were different so they could have visited them but again they know they cannot. Wanting to do something and not being able to do it is torture. This is why when people write about anxiety self help they need someone involved who has experienced it. You can have great ideas with an education but putting it into practice needs experience. No one who has panic disorder would recommend writing your own eulogy to help you push on. It pushes you back. You do not need to be reminded on all the things you have missed out on so far and will continue to miss out on. When everyone else says yes to a date and you have to be the one that always says no that in itself weights for days on your mind.

Example. My friends are meeting up 10 miles away. With all my heart I want to go. We are all 50 years old now and its about 5 years since I last say them. One friend nearly died, had a long rehabilition and yet still travels across Europe to come her and then drives to the destination. Get a grip. 10 miles. Just do it. Eulogy: while all his friends dined he stayed at home feeling sad and frustrated. Is that the kick up the backside? Does that push me through when I am in the car feeling like my brain is spinning in a washing machine and my air intake is so shallow I feel I am suffocating? Does it help when panic is so bad I am almost pleading with the driver to turn back and nothing is going to same me? Does it make me feel better when I sit alone churning over the shame of having failed to function yet again like normal people and instead let people down? Like an anniversary dinner I had to pull out of despite us both being dressed and ready to go. A wedding I ducked out of at the last minute. Like so many things.