I see the sea

The Easter holidays have come and gone and strangely the fortnight of leisure for the kids came after Easter itself so a bit surreal. It gave us the chance to get out and about when Scottish weather allowed and the car, which cried a large pool of oil before being mended, was able to make the journeys. Not that we did a lot. And in the process having not been out and about on the roads for so long I found adrenaline making me restless and the old symptoms rising again like they had never been away. Lots of old symptoms I had forgotten about which is probably a testament to how well things have been going.

Unreality. There is a symptom I had actually forgotten about and when it struck it was so unfamiliar I did not know what to call it in my own head. Its one of those experiences which really cannot be put in to words. Disconnected with the rest of the world. Out of step with your surroundings. The normal is surreal. Totally unsettling. CBT tells me its a fight or flight response- high state of alert. Pupils enlarge to allow more light to see better and vision becomes peripheral to focus better and it all makes for the normal feeling unnormal and unreal. The best thing for it is mindfulness and the best way to do that is going for a walk and connected again with the world around. I suspect introspection has a part to play and as soon as I left the sofa for a walk outside it started to lift and miles later it was gone completely. What lay ahead I did not know at the time. Many miles and many hours later than day I saw the see. I was not expecting that and it came with mixed emotions.

No I didn't walk there though that would have been the perfect lead into the next part. My wife drove. We'd not had many drives. We had drive up north 5 days before to a Garden centre and it was great eventually but the anxiety was really bad at the start for a good 20 mins. I am glad I calmed as there were owls and after giving a donation I took some photos which helped ground me. The massive Eagle Owl was the most impressive and must be some sight in the wild. Apparently this one had escaped many moons ago and pets from a local housing estate started going missing! Again getting past the 20-30 minute rush of adrenaline things started to calm. The night before in the wind, rain and mist we had an eerie drive through the Eaglesham moors and the part visible turbines of one of Europe's largest wind farms. Then our final journey. I had no idea were we were going but as I said I looked up and thought to myself: I see the sea.

Mixed emotions. The night before our journey had ended in Kilmarnock. It gave my wife an idea and as always she does not tell me as she knows I will say no if I know but be less reluctant if I just arrive. And this is how we ended on the road above with the sea in the background. The first time I have seen the sea in...don't know. I cannot remember the last time. Maybe 2005 but then again not sure. If not then further back. Two conflicting emotions struck as one. Joy and fear. Two conflicting thoughts: go towards and get home quickly. And in that moment I had no idea what my wife planned next. Panic kicked off. It was expected. And that is probably why the overwhelming feeling was relief as she turned at a roundabout and soon the sea vanished. Still though there was a part of me wanting to go, a longing. I knew it would be for another day. The desire to go to the sea only grew when the panic subsided as it did and always has done. Another day. One step at a time.

But it wasn't. We kept driving and we drove past Ayr racecourse oblivious to the fact a few days later the Scottish National would be run there. We drove into Ayr itself. There was a familiarity of times long gone as a kid and being taken to seaside towns by my grandparents. Ayr was one. Yarmouth another. The smell and sound. Ice cream and chippys and gulls and promenade and all the rest. We were there. The car stopped, we were out and soon the waves were lapping at my boots. The kids ran about on the sand and we walked along the shore. Something happened.

From that moment of not knowing and being unsure I was sitting looking at the waves with a cuppa on the promenade. I felt I could stay forever. I felt normal. If we'd had overnight stuff I would have suggested staying. I was not coping but more relaxed than I am at home. I looked out as saw the vastness of the world beyond and the beauty and felt not only great peace but at home. I cannot remember the last time I felt so happy within myself. And memories were coming back from childhood as I watched the kids run about. I saw photos in my head of my Granda always with the sea in the background. I remember the sand and the sun. It felt like coming home and to be honest I did not want to leave.

It really did feel like a new chapter and a big leap. It feels like this whole bad prolonged experience is finally coming to a close. And whether it is or is not there are days like that one ahead that cannot be taken away and with them even more plans. The days ahead now look so much brighter.