Fayres

Its that time again for the Christmas Fayre in the town. Just a little thing close at hand but something a bit different from the norm. Up until last year even as close as it is I always had to view it from afar. I remember clearly walking on the other side of the road two years ago in the dark barely within my comfort zone looking at the lights and the people. Hearing the music and the happy voices. My anxiety would not allow me to cross the road and certainly would not allow me to join the throng which scared the life out of me. But last year I managed to go and walk around the stalls and stay for the songs and the eventual turning on of the Christmas lights.

This year I went again but not for long. Feeling a bit poorly at the moment, we all are. That time of year for bugs I suppose. During the week I walked to the Chemist to get my wife's repeat perscription for pain killers to ease that knee that was butchered at the hospital which she still cannot walk properly on. It was mobbed. "Minor ailments" was the buzz word. Pills, nasal sprays and all the rest. Sore throats and coughs and bunged upness. That time of year.

So I have a bit of it myself and was feeling very fragile while out and the deeper I headed into the crowd the more I felt I was going to collapse. I therefore made the trip a short one- twice. But good enough to attend and go around everything.

Its strange that I found that much harder than Friday night. Friday night was the school's Christmas Fayre and I have never attended that on any year. On Friday I did. It took some going as it was just as mobbed but this time not only much further away but inside the school. It was far from easy. A few times I just wanted to sit down- or lie down. The CBT is helping but I sure have a long way to go. I did it though. I stuck to what I had been told and although for twenty minutes or so I was on the verge of panic by a half hour in it was down to virtually zero. And that was the time I knew I could leave. I did not rush out the door though. I stayed a little longer, walked about a bit more and in the end it was boredom really which sent me packing. We had driven up in the car but I walked home- happy to do so. Another thing to tick off the list of things to do in 2013.

I do feel I am getting better. Slowly, not nearly quick enough, but getting there. This Christmas once again I will spend it alone but I really have some hope now that it will be the last time. A 60 mile journey then staying over somewhere for a few days is still beyond me but I am getting closer to it. I feel 2015 will be the year I either do it or I don't. Come April things are going to get very difficult indeed as that is the time I have been told my income stops. I have to try to be in a position at that point to be able to go to the job centre and stay there for however long they want me to and also to be able to go for interviews. I am nowhere near that stage yet. Its all coming too quickly if I am honest but I have been putting it out of my mind for fear it stops the progress I have been making in its tracks.

I'll leave that for the new year. For now I will look forward to a birthday in a few days and Christmas before finally looking forward to (or slightly dreading) the new year.