43

Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. A time to reflect. In a better place for sure- anxiety wise- but not anywhere near where I want to be as yet. I had thought I made a birthday post every year. This is my 6th year on the blog but I have in fact only post twice previously- 2013 and 2011. Looking back what I see is everything reduces. Last year I posted a pic of the cards and there were 7. This year there were 3- nothing from my side of the family. Each year means less. Its all about the kids as it should be but this is a life and so it needs marking too even if there is not much going on.

I am though in a better place as I said. Its vastly improved from 2011 when I turned 40. That was a bad year. it was without doubt the worse year since I started this blog in 2008. It was time of real worry. The agoraphobic world had been closing in year by year and in 2011 it got at small as it could get really without being housebound. Its easy now to forget just how limited my life was back then. I could not go anywhere and could barely tolerate visitors. It was a very lonely time and rife with panic. And a real worry. As every year my world got smaller I feared just how small it was going to get, where it would lead. The trend was an ever decreasing circle and dread grew every day.

Since then though things have picked up. They started slowly but this year they have really rocketed. I have done so many things I was unable to do for years and continue to do so. Hope has replaced dread and I know I am heading in the right direction. I am starting to do normal things. Things like taking the kids to school and even shopping at times. I am going places I would not have contemplated 3 years ago and staying out longer. I am happier, less lonely. And from that point of view its the best birthday since blogging.