The escapist

I don't think I could stick another pic of a gull or that church hall outside my living room window any more than you could but still have nothing to offer in the way of visual display, as an introduction to the post. I remain though as I have from the start determined only to post what is rightfully my own and not swagged from someone else. And unbelievable as it sounds that above is my own. The unmistakable London Eye or whatever they call it now- Millennium Wheel? According to the EXIF data 20th November 2001. That can't be right or maybe it is. So long ago. When I was free and could travel. When Jack Kerouac had my feet itching. A stop off in London there and back on the way by Eurostar to Amsterdam via Brussels. Another time.

Anyways enough about the pic and on to the post. Good things possibly. Well life at least is much improved on my last post. Pain free and starting to climb up the mountain again slowly. It has given me time to reflect. Maybe for the first time since this all started I am being honest with myself and have identified a major flaw, a glaring fault. I think in all this time I have flatly denied any wrong doing and placed the blame on "something else". Something outwith my control. I have read this disorder happens to lots of people and so I should not be alone. As comforting as that is, and it is comforting when it all begins and you feel you are the alone in a madness, it is a comfort blanket. It allows you to pass the blame. This is not my fault. This is outwith my control. There is nothing I could have done about it. In this short period of short contemplation I find the truth is that this is all my fault. Its all my fault and I can take as many medications as they want to feed me and CBT and other therapy and still this will perisist. It will persist until I wake up and realise firstly where the true fault lies and secondly by changing those ways.

Reluctance is not so bad. Reluctance implies some sort of DOING against your will. "Doing" being the important part. As much as a person does not want to do it they do it reluctantly. And whether you make a show of the reluctance or not it matters not as long as the thing gets done. Its not the same as actionless aversion. Yes I just made that phrase up because I couldn't think what else to call it. Basically its a reluctance so strong that you do not do. An aversion to something so strong you do not take the action required.

Now here is the thing: this then becomes a habit. If you get away with it then you continue to do it and it is very unhealthy. You don't want to do something so strongly you shy away from it. You flatly refuse to do it. You make excuses and then worst of all you go deep inside your world to hide away deep in distraction. This is what I have been doing. Its not good. Its not something I want to admit but I am afraid if I am honest I have been doing it. My only saving grace possibly is that I have not until now realised I have been doing it. But that will only be a saving grace if I now do something about it.

Let me though say that I do not sit idly refusing to do anything unless I want to do it. There are lots of things I do not want to do but I do. There are though some things I refuse. Silly things. Things I let fester and they are constantly eating away at me making me restless.

One example. Debt. I have a letter to write to the lender. The first draught was typed up on the 27th January 2012 and still sits there. I keep saying I will get it redone, printed off and then sent. Still it sits there. Nearly a year passed and it still sits there. Ridiculous. Why am I so reluctant to do it? Why do I keep putting it off?

Another example. There is a packet of straws sitting in a drawer in the kitchen. My wife bought them at my request about 6 months ago. In December last year I promised the therapist I would start a series of exercises to eleviate the symptoms of anxiety and they involved a straw for one. Still I have not done it. I keep building up to it every so often and breaking off.

Since this realisation I have noticed more and more instances. I have created a bubble to escape to away from these things. I lose myself in distraction rather than face them. For some reason they really weigh heavy and I have created problems from them where there should be done. It is good that I am noticing this now but its only good if I take steps to remedy them.

So what do I plan? Will the escapist follow his urges to escape or finally face up to things? I honestly cannot say, I hope its the latter. I make no more promises I may break so easily. I do though have a plan. A simple plan which may be too simple to work. I have decided that each day I will think of something I have an aversion to and put off and it will be my goal to do it the following day. I will keep a record of these, an honest account. I am challenging myself. If I can pass a couple of challenges it may give this escapist the heart to stand and eat into more. Past form says not but we can all change. Even me.