NOTE: I know the images do not relate to the content but not getting out of late anywhere to take photos so apologies for that.
Its been a hell of a time but not, I am afraid to say, in a good way. There is nothing to be gained by going into details so I won't but its been the hardest of times. It happens every once in a while. Once, twice or maybe three times a year. Maybe not as often as thrice. Just not sure. My walks have stopped dead in their tracks since Friday and this has had a massive knock on effect. In this period the one thing I have learned is that I have been actually making more progress than I realised but all too late. This enlightenment has come about ironically because I am starting to experience a lot of dark things that I used to experience but had not realised over the last few months had all but gone. This is all down to being virtually incarcerated again in this shitty little flat. Lots of fears resurfacing and pulling back old nightmares. Little did I realise at the time but I have actually been climbing up the mountain and making more headway than I thought. Only now that I find myself sliding down fast with smoke belching from the seat of my pants as I go do I see how far I had come.
As I said I won't go into detail but suffice it to say I have been, and continue to be, in a great deal of pain. Pain that I cannot escape. Pain that means I cannot even rest comfortably. Pain that disturbs my sleep and leaved me feeling more shattered every morning. Pain with a cause. A clear cause. A cause that would send most to their GP or the hospital but that is not a luxury I have- being an agoraphobic. Any way not to worry. As I said I have been here before and as bad as it is I know its a temporary state and will heal with time. This though is the longest episode I have had and still there is no sign of it ebbing but it will ebb eventually. All I can do in the meantime is put up with it and treat the cause. Also as well as not being able to seek medical advice I cannot take painkillers as they do not agree with me so I just have to accept it. If I could I would take them but I cannot deal as easily with the side effects I experience- though I never used to. And there are two little bottles of whiskey in the kitchen that have been left at various times by my father-in-law. God I have been tempted and they would probably both be empty by now were it not for the fact I know it would really play on my anxiety the day after.
So that as where I am at the moment and as bad as the pain is I really have to say the most frustrating thing for me is that the walks I have been building all year have been wiped out. That depresses me because I know now from experience when I start them up again it will be like starting over again. And this has had the biggest effect on my anxiety. I am still managing small walks but very restricted and like the early days after I come in I experience bad after effects. Its like a heavy fatigue where I feel grey and my lips feel bloated and my eyes blur and my breathing is not good. Just feel horrendous. Not straight away. It takes about 20 minutes and then it hits. But as I said I used to experience this regularly and its a testament to how well my walking has been going that I have not experienced in a long time up until now.
It really does have a knock on effect. Time anxiety is creeping back and I never even noticed it was gone. I am starting to look at the clock again when I get up and counting the hours left in the day with a sense of dread. Yet before this period I was getting up early with no conscious thought of the time and going out for a long, by my standards, walk without any problems. So you see I was making progress even if I didn't think so myself.
As I said though this is a temporary state. It will pass. And when it passes if I have to start over then so be it. I now know I can do it, have done it and can get back there again. I have proved it to myself. Time does not matter. I just need to let things run their course and then start the journey back over again knowing I will get there and that if I don't push things I might even get back there quicker than the last time and beyond.
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