Alone for most of this week which has been trying but the worst was the first 48 hours. Back doing my walks again with a vengence- by my own poor standards. Very close to a mile on one walk. Only once in the past 5 years have I managed more than that. Not straying far though but still something. But I am paying for it. Too much too soon. Feel blackness running through me from depleted resources. Small steps required, not large bounds into a brick wall. It never works. It feels good at the time but for days at least after everything is too hard. A bit like someone coming out of a coma and trying to go for a long walk. Too out of condition to go striding off into the distance however much I would like to.
In my state its difficult to keep the sensible head on. Not just with walking but with anxiety too. There is an inner eagerness not just to get better but get better as quick as possible. Its seeing the top of the mountain and trying to sprint up the cliff face. All you do is keep falling back again. Much better to take the time to do it right and monitor progress all the way. But its hard to curb that enthusiam. So keen to get better its difficult not to start running towards it when a chink of hope appears.
Pushing doesn't work. Without doubt my biggest problem in trying to overcome agoraphobia is impatience. I got down to a path I've not been on for a while- not since being stopped by the police one day. Yet in a previous time not too long ago I got down it to a bridge you can just about see in the image above and under the bridge to a clearing where I could hear the water and then one day I got down to the water itself sliding down to the embankment through a thick forest of trees. It felt fantastic to be down there and finally make. That was until I turned around and could see nothing but trees and knowing the path was somewhere up there. That was when I ran in blind panic home- well not ran really. Hyperventilated with my heart banging in my ear at as fast a walking pace as I could muster.
No image to match that so a manufactured image. I was looking through a photography magazines and the oldest browsed along with me. She likes to see if there are any effects we can try out. So she was over the moon at creating a floating person effect- two separate photos blended. Not patient enough to wait until later in the week I was made to do it there in then so me, my daughter, a camera, a stool and a balloon went to work while the other two kids watched TV oblivious. It was a rush job though. I could have spent more time on but I didn't really have a lot of time so there you are. Although the younger girl is more locked into fantasy its the oldest who takes a real interest in creating fantasy photos. Her favourite of all time was one I did last year of her holding a bird. This one will do for now.
The kids have been away on holiday so it was good to see them again when they came back- though I was without a camera for all this time so apologise for the images in advance as it could not be helped. I didn't take the photo for the sake of it though. To my shame I was so locked in on myself that I forgot my mum's birthday- her 60th as well. Well not totally. We did go halves with my sister to pay for a show and a meal but I was supposed to send a card while my family were away and it went right out my mind. So when the family came back yesterday, the day after mum's birthday, and my wife asked if I had sent the card I quickly assembled the kids for a photo and got it put on a card through Moonpig which will arrive about 3 or 4 days too late but what can I do?
