There is only one time this year, in fact in a few years, where I have found peace. A place where for a moment I lost myself in the tranquility of the surroundings and lost the fear of how far from home I was. That was on our first trip to the David Livingstone centre and more precisely the nature trail there. I went back twice after and never found it again. For that moment though I felt 'normal' again. In that moment I could do anything and go anywhere. Since I have had the briefest glances of that at times but never as strongly as on that day. But just because I have not been able to recapture it that does not mean I won't again and that is why it is my highlight of the year. It made me see change is possible from a place I thought was inescapable.
Thankfully I have not had any loss this years like some other years and that is something I appreciate. My low points are many but not low in the scheme of things. There have been times when panic has scared the living daylights out of me, times of physical pain and times of confusion, depression and hopelessness. But the main low points have revolved around my kids. There have been times when parents have to attend plays and the like which I have not been able to go to. Instead I watch my wife struggle and see things remotely through a video camera. Those have been the lowest times.
I have a list as long as my arm all unfulfilled but the jump over the chasm is too large at the moment. Instead I need to get to them with little shuffling steps forward in the right directions. The moments I have been most proud of this year have been little victories. Those little things I couldn't do at the start of the year but have now done- even if it was only once. They are the glimmers of hope and the reassurance that things can get better however fleeting. Of these there are too many to list but again it comes back to my kids. Going to the nursery and meeting my daughter's teachers was a big thing. Latterly getting to the school at rush hour in that way too slim bottleneck of chaos to pick up my other daughter was also a milestone.
As much as there is small change there is still a lot of sameness. The 4 walls and couch I have seen so much of are still my main surroundings. Even the ability to get out and get further away is tempered by the fact that I still can't stay out so I inevitably return to confines of my cell. Until I can change this the greater part of my life will remain the same and we, as a family, will be stuck inside this home that we have long ago outgrown. And all the while I remain within when I want to be outwith. When there are occasions or even the urge to fly I am grounded.
All in all though a good year. Much better than previous ones. I have a hope that it is the start of something, a shift in the right direction. Who knows? Anything is possible.
