If you are scared of your own shadow then face the sun...
No, not a philosophical quote. In fact I don't think I can attribute it to anyone. Maybe it has been said before or maybe not. The truth is I don't know. If it has then it was probably constructed better. Its a thought. A plagiaristic thought welded together with some past experiences which make it relative to me and my anxiety- or the agoraphobic part at least.
I was reading about Bucephalus, Alexander the Great's horse. Legend tells that Alexander's father was presented a horse which could not be tamed and a young Alexander asked to ride it. With his father's consent that is what he did. The young boy had noted that the horse was unsettled by the sight of it's own shadow and so led it into the sun.
"...What looked like a big white hole in my photos was the low evening sun. It really was blinding. Maybe it helped not being able to see properly as I walked way further than normal..."
I noted that when I was out walking one day and walked further than I had normally done. That struck some sort of chord with what I read about Alexander and his horse. Maybe there was more to it than that. Was it because I could not see clearly in front of me or because I could not see my own shadow? My conclusion to that question is that it was a bit of both metaphorically speaking.
My agoraphobia can best be described as not a fear of what lies ahead but what lies behind. The sun is where I want to go and where I have come from I cast my shadow. I hope that makes sense. For example when I walk beyond my safe zone (that term is worth another post on its own) I do not fear where I am going but how I am going to get back. That is what builds the anxiety. If I tie that back to my driving then my inability to see a way back is what brings on panic not where I am driving too. That fear can occur when getting lost or getting stuck. When I have to think about the way back the panic starts to rise. In other words when I have to look at my own shadow I get afraid. But while I am facing the sun I am OK.
So I guess what I am trying to say in a roundabout way is the key to me filing away at these big stone walls that keep me penned in is to try to concentrate more on where I want to go and less on how I return. Easier said than done I can tell you. By making a conscious effort not to think a thought you invariably think it. That though is not the point. The point is to concentrate more on where I want to go and less on looking back.
