After a long time of fearing driving I am back, tentatively, in the driving seat. Not going very far but its a start. In over two weeks of driving on Saturday I missed my first night. Determined that I would not miss a second night I went out on Sunday despite the discomfort- I had trouble turning my head for the pain in my neck. I drove down two short streets and then decided to do the dual carriageway run. Two weeks ago this was not even an option and has been that way for years since I became agoraphobic. I'm doing it now- even if it is a few minutes of panic and yelling like a mad man. Its a short run. Up the slip road, onto the carriageway, around a roundabout and back off the first slip road to go home. About a mile or so in total I think.
As I got on the slip road and joined the dual carriageway I was a little concerned to spot flashing lights and traffic cones on the other side of the road. On closer inspection a vehicle was moving along while men in the back were dropping the cones to section off one lane of the road. As the traffic was down to one lane it was building up quickly. My anxiety levels were rising at the sight of the building traffic. There was no way back so I would have to grit my teeth and go the route I had been doing with this added anxiety. That was bad enough but then it suddenly dawned on me that my slip road off may not be there, by that I mean accessible.
Approaching the roundabout I started to panic. The physical shaking started first. I tried to remain calm and tell myself the slip road might still be open but it was no use. I shouted affirmations out loud but it had no effect. I could not stop my hands shaking and my body followed. As I struggled to calm my breathing I kept clawing away at my throat. What I knew in my head above all else was that I was trapped in a place I did not want to be with no escape route. After following around the roundabout I saw the sign I had been dreading telling me the slip road was closed. In total panic moving slowly nose to tail in one lane traffic I thought my head was going to explode. Pretty soon I was looking to the right where my house is and heading west away from it petrified. As I did so I was in new territory and on the road out to where I had my biggy panic attack 2.5 years ago.
I'd like to leave that scene as is for a moment to explain something. It is impossible to convey just how confused the mind becomes in panic. It freezes and just won't work as it should. I had vague memories of places I had been in the past but they were not stitched together in a mind map so my mind was making the wrong matches. On top of that I had also looked over this route countless times as it was going to be my next drive when I felt comfortable yet I could not recall it in my head. I'd looked at it at least 10 times that day alone getting it clear in my mind but in this panic I couldn't remember where to go or where I was. The confusion adds greatly to the panic and sense of being totally lost. In truth I was completely disoriented and entering a world I had feared to venture in for years.
Having not been able to take the slip road I headed away and finally to the next exit. Then a new fear gripped me. As I drove along the traffic vehicle, which was heading in the same direction as me but well ahead in the journey, was not in view. What if they blocked off the next exit too? Where the hell would I be heading next? That just intensified everything and brought thoughts of just ditching the car and running towards home- a journey I doubted I could make on foot. Thankfully though just as I was nearing the exit they came into view and I was past them as I left the dual carriageway before they had the chance to block it off. I have no idea whether they did block that exit off and don't want to ponder what would have happened thereafter had they done. Or had I taken to the road 5 minutes later than I did. But what I do know is I had one slip road after that and then no more and the road lead all the way to another town- the town where my agoraphobia began in one full blown panic attack.
Coming off the carriageway I approached a roundabout in two lanes. I stayed in the left lane because as I said above I thought I was somewhere else. I saw two road signs. Another town to the left and my town to the right. This wasn't logical in my head as I created my own logic. I was sure it was wrong. I turned left towards the nearest big town ignoring the right which was signposted to take me home. No sooner had I done so than I realised I was not where I thought I was. Quickly I turned off to make a decision at a recycling place or refuse dump or both. There was a layby where I could stop the car and try to gather my thoughts. I was sure I had been here before. Or had I? So bloody confused that I couldn't believe anything.
Sitting there I turned off the engine and tried to remember where the hell I was. All those maps in my mind and I couldn't recall the one I had looked at most. Then I cursed myself for not taking my phone. My wife would know where I was but I was shaking so much that I doubt I could have used the phone and my mind was so jammed that I doubt I could have explained my situation let alone take in advice. Then I thought about all those self help guides that say ride it out and it will recede. For 5 minutes I tried to stay with it but it did not recede. The alarm bells would not stop ringing and were telling me that I was lost, terrified and on the point of despair. And again all the while I was clawing my throat which was a bit of a mess by now and not helping my breathing.
I had to move. I didn't know where to but I had to keep moving as I was not going to get home by sitting still- I remember that urge before all those years ago. And it was obvious this panic was not going to go while I was lost. So off I went heading east believing I was going in the right direction. A welcome sign- but to the wrong town. And its a very big in comparison to where I stay and now I was going to get really lost. But for a moment I got excited and stopped. I knew this place or so I thought which I thought meant I had to head back the way. But then I realised that was not where I was. Confusion, confusion and more confusion. So there was only one thing for it and that was to head back the way I came and follow those road signs.
Here though is the irony. Had I drove 30 seconds more instead of turning back I would have recognised the place. It was a road I drove every day for over a year taking my daughter to the child minder. Not only that I had no idea that had I taken a left then very quickly I would have found I was where I had already been a few nights before. I had no idea I was so close to home. My mind had no room for rational thought as it was consumed by panic. And this panic was unbelievable by now. I was litterally struggling to control the car never mind my mind.
Driving back the way I came I followed the road signs for home this time. With a bit of brain work I would have realised that there was a turning back on to the dual carriageway and back home the way I had come shown here in with a green line. But I followed the road signs instead through places I did not know. I stopped at one point and thought about turning back again but then went on. All this time the panic was not subsiding contrary to popular mythology. Unknown to me I passed a right turn which I didn't recognise as being very close to where I had driven on my second night of driving again. This would have taken me home very quickly.
Instead I found myself at a set of traffic lights outside a pub I vaguely knew from the past. The funny thing is my wife and I had discussed this pub earlier that day because I was going to drive to there to take a photo but when I looked at it on the map I thought it was too far away. So that was another route I had looked at yet even here I was battling against the advice of the road signs and was determined to take a left rather than the advised right. Memory was telling me to do this but luckily I didn't. The reason I was going to go there earlier was for my one photo a day blog. Over the road from the pub is a memorial to a mining disaster in the town. And there I was sitting beside it with the camera in the car and not only did I not take the snap but I had forgotten it was there in my panic. Truth be told it was the last thing on my mind where it had been a prominant goal earlier in the day.
But from there I got home. The panic took a while after getting home to calm and has left its mark. Even days after I am still feeling on edge. That is inevitable. You cannot have an episode like this without it having some impact. The question is how big an impact which I will not be sure of for another week probably.
According to google maps the total journey should take around 25 minutes which is probably right. Given the slow moving traffic though and my few stops it was closer to 40 minutes of which at least 30 minutes were filled with panic- it was only supposed to be a 5 minute drive. My wife says at least I did it and the journey is something I should be proud of. She says I should remember that nothing bad happened (meaning I didn't die). I don't care. That is not the problem. The problem is that this is like a small trauma which at the time feels like a big trauma and it doesn't matter that you come out the other side because you know those intense negative emotions and sensations leave their scar for next time. In fact on paper it looks like you have gone forward but on the emotional front connected with driving I have gone back. That is the truth of it. There is no way you can panic for 30 minutes and not have some echo of that next time.
Last night I proudly got back on the dual carriageway and completed the run roadwork free. Now that made me feel better. But as I drove towards the school panic came again even though I was feeling more confident and happier than I had done when I set out. Before I got to the school I had to pull out. That is a worry. The last time this happened to me it took a week to disable me. Back then the next day I drove my daughter to nursery with panic and each day it got more intense until by the end of the week I was panicking before getting into the car and could drive no longer- it took over a year to get back in.
I hope that is not the case this time and I will still at least try every night but this week is going to be a big one for me in terms of driving and my overall anxiety state. Some may think it is a question of choice but it is not. I am trying. Staying with the panic didn't make it go away. Last night panic came at a time when I was at my most confident. There is just no reasoning with this thing. But it has made me understand one thing. The panic I have had at home and out walking is nowhere near the intensity to these episodes. Maybe that is one thing I can use to my advantage.
