In focus

A fly. I hate those little disease ridden things. Not what I would like to look at, apologies in advance. It was though the only bloody small creature I got in focus such are the problems I seem to have with the autofocus on my little compact camera like I said yesterday. The macro does work but it takes a lot of mucking about and luck to get it in focus. If something is moving even slowly then its a bugger to get.

Still patience was never my thing so maybe I need a bit more of that. I personally don't think practice will make any difference as its a bit of a lottery. And self consciousness doesn't help. Crouched with a camera as cars full of peering eyes, in my head at least, drive by doesn't do much for my paranoid android instincts to flee or look inconspicuous- I blame the local rozzers for that- twats.

But I wanted to try to move outside and looked about for something that someone hadn't dumped, wasn't a shopping trolley or a broken bottle of alcohol and this is all I could find in focus. Many other better looking living things out of focus mind you. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I'm not one for reading a manual.

A lot of anxiety this week, no more than usual. No panic which is good except for the fleeting instances of it quickly stubbed out. Some other irritations of a varying variety. Like yesterday when I woke with a really sore eye. No idea why. Don't know the cause. But it hurt all day long like it was straining and about to burst. Very uncomfortable. That's a new one but there are so many of those accumulated over time. At least as I write this post the day after it has gone as quick as it came. But like so many another day written off to worry over something in my endless rumination.


A busy start to the week. Not like me at all. Up and down the loft a few times after we had cleared out our one and only cupboard which was packed to the rafters. Halfway through having lain everything out and then sorted through it into piles, or bags, of keeping, charity and dump the room was a state. Feel like I should join the community and go toss all the rubbish we don't want up and down the street or in someone's garden. No one would care. Visually you wouldn't know if you looked around. Depressing really.
My body is not used to it but I'm sure given time I will shake it off. Muscles twanging having been dormant for so long and breathing struggling to get oxygen to them for the heavier than usual workload. Mind you I don't see it getting much time to right itself as I think my wife has more days like this planned for the coming week and beyond. But as shit as I felt before it the occupation did me good. Maybe I need more of it but maybe breaking in slower rather than like throwing someone who has been asleep into the middle of an ocean to swim home or drown. God that's a bit melodramatic.

Down to the bridge

Firstly I would like to apologise for the quality of the images in this post. Not what I hoped for but I will explain why later. They are so different from the ones I had in my mind. Well to be honest I had only one photograph in my mind. It has been building for a while now as I have been doing my drives. At night I always go under Bothwell Bridge. Or more precisely I go under the new bridge and can see the old historic bridge as I pass back and forth. The later at night I have driven the more often I have seen the bridge lit up in its splendour but with no way of getting to it- I cannot just stop the car on the dual carriageway. The bridge is not always lit and its not always the same when it is lit. Sometimes its blue underneath, red on top, white, partly green or a combination. In my head I have had an image taken close up in the dark which would provide a beautiful sight. In my head is where that will stay.

By road the bridge is 1.1 miles away roughly. That is a round trip of over 2 miles which is way out of my league. As yet I have to reach a 1 mile walk so walking was out of the question. I've spent hours looking over this map for places to park the car so I could walk to it but cannot find any. It is a shame that this is the case. Finally though last night I got the urge again. Having looked over the map yet again I decided that if I drove from my house, point A, to the slip road on the dual carriageway, B, I could then walk to a point where I would be able to take a photograph of the bridge, point C. I would have to do this in the dark to get the best effect, I thought, which wasn't a problem, or so I thought. Then measuring it up I found the walk itself would take a mile which is longer than I had walked before and on top of a drive that would already make me anxious it would appear an unlikely venture. But I had the urge so thought to myself I would at least make an attempt to see how far I could get.

Recently I have been reading of a few people feeling exhaustion. I know this feeling as I've had it before too but it is easy to make light of it when it is gone. Yesterday for some strange reason around mid-afternoon I was hit with a wave and struggling to keep my eyes open. In that agitated state where the mind is too awake with thoughts running like the Large Hadron Collider and the lifeless body just wanting to sleep it made for a long day. The last thing I wanted to do was go out but for some unknown reason I was also feeling compelled to. This was the first time I felt this way where I wanted nothing more than to stay indoors but at the same time had an overwhelming urge to go out and push myself. I guess that image in my head of the perfect photo was the major factor as I do get quite obsessive thoughts when I want to do something to the point that I have to do it to get some peace.

I got out in the car and drove up the dual carriageway taking the first slip road back off again. I've only been back driving 5 days and although its getting easier I am still very anxious in the car. Not knowing what to expect I found myself in an unlit little area where I parked the car. You can just about make it out in the photo above. Ironically the only thing that was clear was the one thing I had to smudge- the number plate. It was that dark- though my camera problems will become apparent later. The thought of leaving the car here did not temper the anxiety much as images of coming back to a smashed up car or it not being there filled my head. I had no time to think though. The more thinking I did the more likely I was to jump back in the car and head home so off I went walking into the unknown.

Looking at the map it all looked so simple. It was a straight path down to the bridge and depending on the layout I may not even have to go all the way down to get a photograph, I had thought. In reality it was a different prospect altogether. A narrow solitary path who's end disappeared from view. It was well lit though but if some nutter popped out behind me I was cut off or if there were some alcoholics or other problem people ahead I was in real trouble. I hadn't thought about that looking at the map. Even in day time this would be a bit worrying alone but at night it was more menacing. The further I got from the car the more I wanted to head back.



It seemed this path was never ending. The further I went the more trees enclosed and the lights disappeared. At some point the wall at my side vanished. It got more and more narrow and claustrophobic. What the hell was I doing this for? On hindsight it was stupidity. Even if I had no anxiety problems at all is this the kind of lonesome night journey a sane person would enjoy doing? Of course not. My wife later would get very angry at home because I had put myself in a potentially dangerous position without even telling her where I was going. As time passed she worried more and had no way of contacting me as I hadn't charged my phone. My folly was realised when I started to run out of breath and the path began to decline. I knew it was time to head back. But of course I didn't and instead pushed on. There should have been something liberating in that moment but there was not. It was more a growing regret that an obsession could keep pushing me deeper into my panic.

Everything was getting darker and I noticed my steps were all over the place as if I was staggering and swaying like a drunk. It was all a little disorientating as the horizon was gone and my fears pushed me in all directions. The anxiety was turning to panic and I had to fight it constantly. In almost complete black I could hear water running to my left. Very faintly I could make out the river. I must be close. There were some paths leading into the void but that was out of the question. Still I could not see the illuminated bridge so I had to push on. I did though see the new bridge. Amid the growing turmoil in my head I wondered how near it was to the old bridge forgetting completely that it is attached to it. It is impossible to think straight in such a state.



Finally I go the spot and here is where it all fell apart. I thought my planning had been meticulous but it had not up to this point and completely went to pot at that moment. The bridge itself, disappointingly, was not illuminated. It had a little bit of green light on it but nothing like the splendour I had previously seen, if you squint enough you might just see it in the image above. Regardless though I was taking a photo. I took a few and they were all terrible. It suddenly hit me that I had not set up the camera. God only knows what setting it was on. It has settings for night and even fireworks but I had left it on portrait or something like that. It was at the point where I tried to find the right setting that panic struck me. Not only were my arms and hands shaking, which I had been fighting against, but my neck started to shake which is the sure sign of a biggy. My futile attempts to find the right setting ended abruptly as I realised I now had to flee- as quickly as someone who cannot run can. The dial with all its letters signifying something was meaningless anyway now and the buttons made no more sense.

It was, I have to say, horrendous. I was scared out of my whits and shaking so much that I could hardly control myself as I tried to escape as fast as I could. Everything was too close and my sight was blurry. As the chest started to tighten each protracted inhale and exhale began to hurt and felt like there was nothing but a vacuum within. My mouth dried first and then the throat followed. All I could think of was water and some semblance of an end to this path. At one point I thought I would have to stop as I could hardly breathe and my heart was banging- which is very unusual for me. But how could I sit or lie down in this dark place not knowing what or who was around. So I had to go beyond myself and push further until eventually I got back to the car.


And I did get there but it is not something I will ever do again. As I turned the corner shock filled me as I saw an empty lane with no car in it. A couple of seconds later I realised there was another little lane beside it in the dark where I had actually parked. That little fright was the last as I climbed back into the car panting, soaked in sweat and still very shaky to drive home. Such a wasted opportunity. OK it is maybe courageous but the larger percentage was stupidity. There are no long term benefits to be had from this apart from hopefully a lesson in how not to do things. The poor quality of the photos pains the most though. That could have been avoided and was the easiest part of the night. Instead of worthwhile reminders I am left with a poor interpretation of the night's adventure.