Panic at home

  

I woke on Monday morning with a feeling of impending doom. It was there in the darkness making me physically squirm and finally get up to let in the light. This though only took the edge off it. The doom remained. Even now I don't know why but thankfully its been a while. Because its been a while it started to lead into panic. I was awake alone, had to take the dog out and came back still unable to shake this apprehensive anxiety. It brought about sweats. My wife and youngest girl were due up for school. I felt hemmed in. Nowhere to escape to with this rising panic when I need to be alone. I had to get the boy up shortly after for home schooling. It accelerated and agitation grew and I got more and more restless then suddenly it stopped. More than that though I knew I was fine. Unlike most past times when the threat remained this time I was OK, reassured of no repeat.

It got me to questioning when my last panic attack was. I can't remember. Certainly I have had less in the past year. That is ironic really. Where most have had their mental health challenged in lockdown my own has been helped. Why? Because outdoor life has been restricted I've had less situation to panic. When it was quiet outside it helped. Of course this is not a long term help because when the mad world returns to crowds the panic will return. For now though it has helped. 

Until December last year I really had a hard time mentally with dread. I think this could have been an echo of that. Things didn't just go from very bad to good overnight. Those feelings are etched into my body and mind. The waking in dread soaked in sweat feeling there was no way out. The feeling of suffocation. Just the darkest of places which bizarrely brought about an acceptance because I realised it was out of my hands. Those effects don't just disappear. These I feel are memories of that. The effects are long lasting. Even now I am reluctant to check my bank account online fearing there will be nothing in it and its months since I did so. That was a fear that was with me for a long time and I just cannot shake it despite there being no danger now even if there was nothing in the account. 

All these months on I thought the good news in December would see me striding back to wellness where I was a few years ago but it hasn't. I cannot explain why. This episode of panic is not new lately and my fear is its getting more regular. Because I went so far back my world has shrunk and with that anxiety grows each day. So I must return to the CBT which helped me so much previously. I cannot afford to sit back and allow my world to be swallowed again. I need to push on now and try to just ride the waves that are coming.