Blue envelope

  

The blue envelope finally arrived last week and with it a sense of dread. It shouldn't be that way but it is. I knew an appointment would arrive for the COVID19 Vaccination and knew it would probably give me mental battles which it has. First jag of two. I have no problem with a jag. I'm not scared of needles. And given what I know COVID19 can do to people I want to be vaccinated. But like so many things in my life what I want is not as easy as just taking. The problem here is that the appointment will be too far away and in a building which will cause me panic. I just cannot do it.

Some would right point out that were I to become ill and be hospitalised it would be way worse than the panic of getting the jab. I understand that. It makes sense when you do not have to go through the panic yourself. I just can't do it. This would not be me being fine until stepping in a building. This would be me rolled up in panic just getting there and ultimately turning back for sure. It is that horrible an experience to endure. I just can't do it. Neither option removes the dread. For now that envelope will remain unopened. 

I am not a stupid person. I am being offered a vaccine against a killer virus. Why would I not take up the offer? That is how bad this anxiety can be. That is how bad it is at the moment. A couple of years ago I would have had it done without any problem. Its bad timing. I have since learned that the appointment can be re-arranged to a different place but the 3 which are offered are still too far away. I need to try to keep myself far from it until I can get on top of my anxiety problems once again.