Fool's gold

  

At the weekend I went down the park on a mission. I needed a motivator and I had one. There is a local online newspaper which mostly runs on Facebook. It used to be very good but now though it has gone down the road of wanting cash for some articles otherwise they are hidden. It is not so good. I will say its only a couple of pound I think a month and that money does go to charity but I disagree with that line entirely. It gets enough donations as it is. The guy who runs it has had all elements paid for by donations. Why then hide articles from people who cannot afford it as many cannot? Look at how many people are using food banks. And even if you can afford it you may not like making online payments. For certain members of society the process might be too much for them as well. 

Anyway I'll read the free stuff from time to time and the other day I noticed a story about a sinkhole which had opened up in the local park. Not surprising in an old mining town. So I went down the park to take pictures and have a wee look. I got a good walk, more than I planned. On and on I walked about unable to find it, or even evidence of it. Disappointing. When I got back I told my wife and she laughed: that was an April Fool. Typical. I looked again and the article was indeed from the first of the month. It did at least get me out. 

Purpose. It is so important when having to do something repetitively. It can be a mind number just the thought of getting out the door to do the same walks day after day. Tedious. Finding a reason to do them helps. OK the ultimate reason I do them is to get better and also to stop my world shrinking. Sometimes that is not enough of a spark which is where the camera came in handy years ago. Its always good to have purpose. 

Stir crazy

 

All this being locked in doors has really taken its toll in a week to forget which has me worrying about what lies ahead. In a big house this situation would feel claustrophobic but in a flat with five people its a nightmare. It makes me wonder what we do if someone catches Covid. How do we stay seperate from them in this confined space? Its not as if we can move them out to one of the rooms in the west wing or start taking our teas on the lawn. We are penned in. The dog has helped no end. I hate to think how things would be with no excuse to go out. The kids are now wanting to go out when they didn't before. It gets to you.

But it all came to a head one night this week in a total horror show indoors I won't go into involving the oldest child who seems to think she is exempt from lockdown. Just awful to be honest and something we could really do without. Its done now though, hopefully. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a situation you want to flee but being made to stay. Instead of leaving as my anxiety wanted I had to sit it out until it was resolved. 

Aside from that there is not a lot to say in this lockdown. We stay in, try to pass the time and walk the dog now again. Like has revolved around the dog right now as he is an outdoor pass. Meanwhile the world outside is starting to change. The photo above is from the local play park which is closed with swings and the likes taped off like a murder scene. Its hard to comprehend sometimes that this is life at the moment. 

Not Disney

I've got so used to the same answer that I barely register the response. Mind you there was a time when I had to spend a lot of time just coaxing an answer out of the little guy. He is dropped off and we go for a walk. How was nursery? Fine. Who did you play with? Always the same answer. Not today. No, not a one word answer either. A whole novella on how his little pal was not at nursery but in Disneyland and I knew what was coming- can I go to Disneyland one day daddy? Christ. No money and agoraphobic, what do you say? Of course.

The thing is he doesn't know what Disneyland is but is instead repeating what his sisters have said as they always obsess about it. And the irony is they have both been, the Paris one, but can't remember it. So its "a thing" you say as its something good. No I can't give him Disneyland and maybe never will but you never know so why kill the dream when a dream is all it is.

We went walking and walking and through the park and as I walk more and more and go further and further and stay out longer and longer I tend to be more at ease and notice things that would usually have passed me by as I raced rigidly from A to B and back to A again. For the first time today I noticed him looking longingly at the swings and the chute. Never noticed that before. Do you want to go on the chute? I didn't need to hear the answer as I knew by the way his face lit up what the answer was. Little things. Little things I couldn't do before but can do now and no its not Disney but its a start. And so he was up and flying down by the seat of him pants and waited and a nod and he was away again. Small things.

I was thinking to myself: why never before? He goes through the park every day to nursery with the wife and his sisters and half the time comes back that way. But he is in his uniform and we can't get that dirtied can we? Well we can when I am in charge. He was still in it today and skidding along the ground on the seat of his pants as he shot off the slide. I won't be popular later but I don't care.

A stroll

Good day today despite a lot of other things going on. This week I have done my quota of walks so really don't need to go out this weekend but I still want to. I want to keep going. That and a need to clear my head sent me out the door this afternoon. It was good. Different. Bordering on normal actually.

I ended up down the park and there was a football game on. So I stood for a while and soaked it up. No idea who was playing but I was more interested in just being there and not having to run away. Apologies for the crap photo but I only had my phone and as I didn't want to draw attention to myself took the photo shortly after I left rather than at the sideline.

I can't say I was impressed with the game but I was happy to be part of it in a way as a spectator and listening to the shouts and watching the battles. Just good to be immersed in something outwith home. Just good to be out.

Things are going really well but its in my nature built on recent years of experience to keep waiting for the fall that will send me all the way back to the begining. I am doing things I would not have imagined just at the start of the year and always planning a head to push further and longer and try to just steadily get there- to the end. And as I have said in recent weeks for the first time it really feels like it is possible. Even though my world is still small it has grown inch by inch and as long as it keeps growing then eventually, however long it takes, I will get there. Its a feeling I have not had in all the time since this first started. That alone builds a strength to push on and I think they are feeding off each other.

What I hope is that in the weeks ahead I have more positive posts. Maybe something impressive along the way- though to me all of this is impressive. I hope that there are tales ahead to tell of things I never dreamed. Better days. If it needs hard work then it is work I am willing to put in because these small pockets of normality in the day have been bliss and I long for more. For now I will take the snatches but over the weeks and months I really do dream they will turn into the promised land I have spent all these years searching for.