I feel like I am going to burst out crying and I have no idea why. She said. My wife, tonight.What I wanted to say was: Don't worry because I get this all the time and today for some reason I have been plagued with it and feel like I am in some mad depression and probably teetering on a total breakdown but I also have to say that the stuff I have been reading says this is a ruse and its actually fear being fuelled by cycles of adrenaline rushes and sometimes when I sit mindfully I can see it is actually raw fear so calm down dear, its only a ruse. What I said was nothing. No point. When I talk about such things I see the light in my wife's eyes go out and her mind wonder off out of her head into Lala Land and soaps and mediocrity. Why bother?
On that I have had a shitload of that melancholic feeling today and it really does get to me. It is a foolery but trying to establish that even after all that time is difficult because all the senses and nerves and sensations and thoughts all work against you- take a lot of convincing. Shit its really horrid at times, words can't describe. And trying to hold on to the truth, the knowledge, that it always passes when I start to see it for what it is holds no comfort in the long hours of proper torment.
Anyway, back to the wife: "...I have no idea why". Well I do. I took all the jigsaw puzzle pieces and put them together. I have been reading, oh yes I have! My understanding seems to work better on other subjects and practically useless at time on my self. But anyway. At this point in the evening it was unbearably hot and the kids were playing up and unusually for the normally laid back wife she was losing the plot and not helped by an itch on the bridge of her nose, anxiety, constantly needing a scratch. That was the final straw but only the a straw. The truth is she wanted to be out not in during the heat and she wanted the kids out too rather than in. So why not? Because we have a doormat sized garden and no fence. We seem to be a magnet for every waif and stray on the passing and they all come like the "Field of Dreams" but we never built it. We didn't want it. We are stuck with it. Why? That rubber ball comes bouncing back to me. The mental one can't work so we can't afford a house so don't have a fenced garden to keep all the plebs out or drowning in the moat. Raise the bridge!
Things add and pathways are built. She'd had a call from her sister earlier. Her and her husband are financially sound. She had a health scare. Something I didn't know existed but the health insurance for a scare paid out a fortune and enough to wipe out the mortgage so they have debt free times ahead. Conversation turned to my sister and her untold apparent wealth all of a sudden- again a couple not on the bread line like ourselves. Then it turned to her friend who is very wealthy and who attended a man who died and left her £80k on top of the wealth she already has in her marriage. I could see it on my wife's face. Not greed. Money to money. She doesn't want much. If she was on "Who wants to be a millionaire?" and was asked how much she wanted to win she would genuinely say enough to buy 3 new windows, get a new sofa, new carpets and floor the loft- though now this summer add a garden to the list. Not greed. She just sees everyone else in comfort and wants to cry about her situation and to be honest I don't blame her even though I know who she blames for it.
I could talk about hand outs. I am on benefits. I know many would look down their nose at that and say I don't have a proper illness- get a job! Jeez, I have tried. The Job centre have called me twice since I was made redundant and both times I have said the same thing. I have told them how it is but said I have skills, have a computer, have the Internet so any work from home employment that encompasses those things I would do gladly. Both times they redirect me back to the web where there are only pay up front scams. I can work. I will say again: I can work. I just can't travel to a work place. Give me 10,000 of written pages you need typed up and I'll do it . No probs. If you need a database and/or a web front end I will do it as long as you don't need me to leave the house for more than 10 minutes.
But handouts. The people who would look down their nose at me would also see nothing wrong with an already rich couple being left £80k by a virtual unattached stranger because that has nothing to do with the taxes they pay- never mind that I work from 17 to 35 and paid 8 years of taxes when I could work. They wouldn't see a problem with someone getting a large sum, enough to pay off a house, for a threat that never happened. They would see nothing with a lottery win, a lucky night at the casino or a big win on the nags. But there is apparently a problem with needing help when you cannot get work because of your circumstances. I have 3 children and live is a damp infested 2 bedroom flat with virtually no garden to speak of. That is all my kids have ever known and that breaks my heart but more so because I cannot see it changing any time soon unless we are recipients of one of those more socially accepted handouts. Ah well, I guess people would prefer I ended up on the street with the 3 kids begging hand and mouth.
Get off the high horse now. Its been beautiful this week. And what am I doing to get better? Walking is going very well. I have been very excited this week. Its dragged on so long with a decline but now is turning in some respects. Yesterday I walked the most in one day that I have done since starting records mid-2009. If I go two walks over the weekend I will beat my previous 2009 best for distance over a week. All good. Some concern over single walks but I plan to tackle them now and the graduated exposure. There is new belief I will get there. I am running towards the garden. A garden for us all to lounge in during these long hot days in the future left alone. That is the dream and its always good to dream. Starting to believe for the first time I will get there.
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