Moving

I remember getting annoyed with my wife on more than one occasion. Mind over matter. Jeez, stop bloody moaning. Walking around the island of Karrera and she was struggling while I marched on- I could go all day. Walking around Amsterdam she wanted to go somewhere to sit down while I wanted to keep on walking. A couple of examples. Each time I would get pissed off. Walking not a problem. When it did get hard you just keep pushing until you break through that barrier until it eases. I told my wife. She couldn't see it. That frustrated the life out of me. Pandering. Get a grip! You put one foot in front of the other and keep doing it. Where the hell is the difficulty in that I ask you?

My life seems to be full of irony. I walk halfway to the school as the body starts to shutdown and turn then head back home. I watch her walk on with her knee problem making her hobble the rest of the way. I don't forget. I hear my own scorning tongue in my head. Karma maybe. Sometimes it makes me push on. Never far enough. Always leading to a point of regret. I can never go where she goes. In the back of my mind I fear I never will again. And it is in the mind that all these problems, and probably therefore the solutions, lie. If I could switch that old grey matter on I am sure I could physically go and keep going. But the reality is I can't turn it off and I therefore can't keep going.

I can't help things happen in life for a reason. I might not be better but I think I have become a better more understanding person. I remember scowling at the woman in my work who shuffled about claiming she had ME and was off work every other day. Maybe I needed to see for myself how limited and troublesome life can be with irrational and mostly unexplainable (concrete proof) difficulties. How pride can have its head repeatedly jumped upon and how guilt can be thrown on by the stone until you lie immovable under the weight. Lessons in compassion. I have read people who have come through my own situation say they have come out a stronger, happier and better person like it was all worth it in the end and the problems were an intervention at a time when they needed a life change- however much it is hard to convince myself on this side of the fence somewhere deep down I hold on to that. So maybe I was a pretty uncompassionate cold person, well no maybe actually. I still have my troubles at this time but I am a better more aware person for it I would say. A rite of mental passage if you will.

But there was a positive point to this post. As I said I have been reading more and more about recovered specimens and how they want to give back their story and tell the troubled ones not to give up, to their credit giving them hope. Me included and it has me in a more upbeat mood. Not only that but in this more positive frame of mind I have been getting what Dr Claire Weekes referred to as glimpses. Little pin pricks of normality in my day where there was was just the black shroud of doubt. Little seeds that can grow, be threaded together and weaved into a new life tapestry- a better one. And whether that transpires or not is of little consequence at the moment. The point is its a change of mood. More hopeful and a little more confident. Things can't change over night. Little victories here and there to build upon and when I get these little 'glimpses' I do feel like the power meter has just jumped up a notch. It brings a willingness to push on and push out and get better and not be weighed down by the bad habits I have learnt. Doing more at the moment. Understanding more. It all seems to be coming together. Fingers crossed. Must better at the moment anyway regardless. Feel like I am starting to move as opposed to standing still.