At the end of all this was the prospect of many visitors on Sunday. Something I struggle with at the best of times and a struggle coming out of that state into a cold. Yes the whole family are struck by some sort of bug which we can't shake- cough, congestion, stiff neck, sweats, blocked up, etc. So not a great end to the week.
I have during the week though been sticking hard to the CBT and trying to get it fixed in my head with mixed results- as you would expect when trying to break a strong habit. I also took my first delve into the art of mindfulness. A strange beast. Not something easily described but better to understand in experience. Its going to take a while and a lot of practise to cultivate the habit of being mindful and practise is important. Its finally sinking in what the therapist said in relation to all the reading I had been doing without the practise- you can learn to swim until you understand it inside out but you will never actually be able to swim until you try and keep trying. A bit like riding a bike. I have been reading all about how to ride on and off for a few months now without actually getting on a bike. I need to get on each day and see if I can get my balance. Then I need to start trying to cycle. I will continually fall off but I mustn't lose heart and instead keep getting back on again. Then one day I will go. It will be a great feeling and I won't lose that moment and that will carry me forward even though I will fall off lots more after but eventually I will get to a point when I can do it without even thinking about it- through practise. That doesn't just apply to the mindfulness but the CBT too.
We are told not to look for success. Its not about success or failure but just about practise at sitting with our feelings and being able to anchor ourselves. A process I desperately require. I am so fused with my experience that reactions trigger before the mind has a chance to intervene. From this we learn to create space and view the experience as an observer. Well hopefully that will come later but I had success sooner than I expected with just general formal sitting mindfulness. I managed for a few minutes to sit and really feel in the present moment. It sounds strange but it was strangely empowering. Whatever chatter was there was quiet and I just stayed in the present moment untouched by worries and fears to disturb me. I really enjoyed it to be honest. It felt a step in the right direction or at least a state that if I could achieve more regularly and take into every day activity would really serve me well in dealing with the negative mind patterns keeping me stuck. A seed that could flourish. A major positive in the week. That was though at the start of the week and give that for the time after I could not sit or even lie pain free I wasn't able to do more practise but plan to return to it this week. In my own humble opinion I think it could help more than the actual core CBT.
As I said somewhere above lots of people coming on Sunday, yesterday. Building apprehension on top of all else. It was my oldest girl's communion and it would appear this old atheist was ignorant to all that entailed. Not just her away to a church service and back but splendour and cash thrown and people and occasion and all that. My wife said at one of the churches all children are made to where alms which doesn't sit well with the parents but to me that is a good thing- proper purpose and not all the expensive that goes with every religious occasion on the calender in these times which have been commercialised to the point we are all wrung dry of our savings by the end of the year. My 8 year old little girl got a new dress, new shoes and about 5 new necklaces as well as other accessories. A hairdresser arrived in the early hours to do her hair and left while I snored on in bed. She got lots of presents and the sum total of £140 in cash. Quite ridiculous if you ask me. An expensive personalised cake. Champagne for the guests. Then a meal for the guests at some restaurant where the rather large bill was footed by the inlaws. I dread to think what the total spent was.
Of course I wasn't there. Father of the daughter AWOL. Wife attending like a single parent. Part of me wanted to be there and part of me, the old atheist part, thought that even if I could go I would have no desire to sit through 2 hours of Catholic ceremony that didn't sit well with me. That was another bone of contention. My wife kept at me to invite my parents and I never did. Why should they come? But they would. They would out of a sense of duty and had to sit through something that they did not believe in themselves and would have hated every minute of it. I also know when they find out they will probably be pissed off at not being invited but I done them a favour, no harm done. In not being there I was left alone with the guilt and my swanky new camera with no occasion to take pictures of.
For two hours though I was there. Or at least they were not there, they were here and I was here. In above photo my apologies as they were not supposed to be coming back until after the meal by which time I would be shaved and shirted but they decided instead on a whim to do it before the meal when I was sitting back enjoying my own company for the door to burst open and bodies to pile in. Seven adults and six children all in a small room in this flat. My idea of hell. People I had not seen for a while. No harm to them. Just the way I am. I know now why on occasions like that my Uncle Harry used to disappear upstairs out the way and read a book. Just the way I am at the moment. Its anxiety inducing and so not appealing. When I can get into conversation and above the thoughts then I do enjoy the company but the hardest part is doing that. And there is where I hope the mindfulness will help. To be honest in that period yesterday I forgot to try it but I want to get to a stage, with practise, where I don't have to try to use it and to a stage where it just comes naturally. Then I will know I am heading in the right direction. Then I will be less apprehensive about such things. Then things will be better and I might even be there.
