I feel a bit split at the moment. One aspect of my life is on the rise and the other seems on the rapid decline. It feels like I am being pulled in opposite directions. Yet this is how I read it would be. This is what I expected if I stuck to the plan and I am sticking to the plan. It doesn't make it any easier. In fact at times its hellish, at times its not- must remember that. But in the worst of times, like a few periods today, I feel I am barely clinging on by the fingertips keeping me from falling into the abyss. The literature tells me that won't happen. It tells me its a ruse. It feels real though. If feels like the madness and despair is swallowing me whole. But I am too far gone to turn back and although I know I am going to keep getting this I must keep doing it. In that sense its a lot like agoraphobia. I feel I am way out of my comfort zone and too afraid of turning back and knowing going on is going to make me worse yet for some reason keep going knowing regret and mental torture is guaranteed anyway. At times I feel like giving up this planned recovery. It says things will ease. Reading about it, investigating it, challenge it and especially ever increasing exposure to it will cause more of it. Anxiety that is. And I guess I knew that already which is why I am agoraphobic.So its hard and at times I feel the better option might be to bin it all and seek distraction away from it.
Nine miles. Doesn't sound much but for me its a lot. Done over the course of a week. For the first time since the middle of 2010. Gradually I have been building and the walks have been going better. Already my wife has plans for drives too. As well as the walking I have found myself doing some things I haven't done for a while like going into my wife's work where I used to just linger outside until I had to get away. Also yesterday I stood for 5 minutes in a take away with my family before finally leaving but then I went back. It was frustrating because they were taking a hell of a time and completely frustrating the life out of me.
But its part of the plan. No longer will I beat myself up if I can't do something- that is OK. So what that I couldn't stay? The important thing is to keep trying. I didn't want to go in but I did. I didn't want to stay but I did for as long as I could. I then wanted to get straight home but instead sat on a wall. And then when I was set to try waiting on the wall I got up and went back in again. And when I did I stayed in a few minutes more before taking the kids in and waiting outside again. Then finally we were all on our way home with food- and the food was shit despite the time it took to prepare.
This is one of the changes I am working hard at and understanding from the literature. Its OK to fail. Its not OK not to try. This old disorder of mine I have read is sustained by seeking safety behaviour and avoidance. Avoidance is in the not attempting not the not doing. So I have been trying to remember that when I can and notice when I feel the strong desire not to attempt something to change that view and instead at least try it. Like early morning walks. Mornings where I really don't want to go but I am expected to and also expected to walk a certain distance. So I talked this over with my wife and hope I have explained it so that it takes the pressure off. I have said I will never, or very rarely, not go with them in the morning but in turn she must not give me a guilt trip if I cannot manage as far as I did the day before. So as long as we stick to that it should be OK.
The trade off though has been very difficult. Its not always bad but some days do get very bad with various anxiety related things. Today was my worst for a while. It made the day long and difficult. It was a return of regular waves of adrenaline. Very uncomfortable. It totally sapped me and made me jittery as hell the whole day. And at points where another rush came on strong that is where I found myself dangling and doubtful of hanging on. But today is not what I get every day and its very much a one off- I hope. But these waves of adrenaline keep happening from time to time. I did ask a therapist about this at the tail end of last year and he said its quite a common thing with anxiety disorder- and harmless. But its bloody hard to deal with.
Anyway I will push on until I can push no more. Everything I have read so far has turned out to be true and what I have read is that this will start to ease. So I have to hope. I have to keep learning and practicing dealing with it. I need to be more mindful. I hope that I can report better days ahead this coming year.
