'It's nerves,' said the inspector. 'You're in the wrong life, my friend. Your nerves aren't up to it...'Poor old Enno Kluge. I could relate to him so much though that is maybe an unfair comparison to make given that my shaky hands are not the product of countless beatings while living in the difficult times that were Nazi Germany and I am not sitting on a pier knowing that I'm about to get a bullet through my head from the sneering Inspector Escherich. Oh and he is fictional of course- small note. But nonetheless those words by the inspector struck a chord. I'm sure they strike a chord with others. Wrong life right enough. Wrong time, wrong place- my nerves just are not up to it or at least no longer up to it because they were once.
ALONE IN BERLIN
Hans Fallada
The one thing I know from experience over the past few years is that continually running headlong with gritted teeth into a wall panic gets you nowhere. It does give a bit of satisfaction and an outlet for pent up frustration but the bad far outweighs any good. In the past though I have found this out in isolated incidents mostly and sometimes with a few in succession. I have reached the very edge of my comfort zone knowing I am already urgently required to retreat and under no circumstances should move at least an inch forward toward my self-made abyss then for unknown reasons have just thrown myself in. In the moment it is frightening and afterwards it is shattering. Sometimes you just need to do it. Maybe its just to feel alive. Maybe its just to say to this tormenting demon that the last say is with yourself. Whatever the reasons it is a short lived satisfaction. I know this and I think this is why I was dreading my school runs so much. My first worry was whether I had enough in me to last the three weeks and the other worry was just what state I would be in when it was finally over whether I completed them or not. I did complete but was it worth it? And this worry was based near the end of those runs because before the first I didn't even think I could get through one.
Three weeks of running headlong into panic came to an end but I could not breathe a sigh of relief because the same night as they ended my dad visited. Once my dad had wasted two hours waiting to pick up my mum at our house it was finally over and very quickly I started to go downhill fast. I think what happened is familiar to most who put themselves in this position of discomfort. We put up a dam to keep it all out and just get through the experience then when its all over the dam is not needed and all those repressed thoughts, emotions, feelings and all else come flooding in. Two weeks on its still happening. Nothing bad has happened and I have to say also when I can distract myself its not a problem but again that is a form of repressing and its still there waiting for me when I come back to myself.
Anxiety and panic are not nice, we know that. I can grumble but I am well used to putting up with them now. That is not what has been bothering me though this time around but something new that I am not used to. At first I thought it was the onset of depression. Having never knowingly experienced depression I only have my own perception of what it is like and what I experienced that last week of runs right up until now is how I imagined it be- however ill informed that may turn out to be. In fact I feared it in my wife on the occasions where she has been sitting and suddenly said she has felt this overwhelming urge to burst out crying but cannot understand why. I felt that, I feel that. But I am not sure if its a ruse. In the past few years I've had problems with my eyes and so periodically have to put in drops because they get very tired and dry- as diagnosed by an optician about seven years ago. And what I noticed was that this surge of sadness seemed to come after my eyes started watering rather than my eyes watering as a result of feeling sad. And to be honest I am not even sure if it is sadness because I cannot put my finger on it. It could even be that feeling of impending doom or just plain worry. Interestingly I did a search through my blog on 'impending doom' and was very intrigued to find that the first post I found citing it was a year ago last April and in that post I wrote that I had experienced it the April before. This confused me further. Is it a result of anxiety from school runs or just something cyclic I go through?
I can't put my finger on the sadness though. There is no reason that surfaces as to why I would feel sad. I don't actually feel sad but I momentarily get that reflex action like I am going cry then pull back- not consciously I think. But is that sadness? In me that may just be a product of intense emotion. I remember the same reflecx well standing in my boss' office after someone on the production line had been given a raise 2 months after he started taking him on to more money than me who was the one man skilled techinician testing and fixing all the products as opposed to putting components in holes and applying solder to them. The boss started with ' I hear your nose is about out of joint...'. The rise of anger overwhelmed me, my fist clenched, my chin wobbled and as I repressed the emotion to strike I thought I was about to burst out crying. The boss saw something, backed up with hands out and said "it's ok just calm down...". So maybe that reaction is a physical manifestation of emotional respression regardless of the emotion.
To add further distortion to the whole thing I read a comment from an old friend which was actually not that funny but sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. He's always been a cheeky sod and he posted a photo of himself to which a girl said he had a face that only a mother could love. He replied "that's rich coming from someone with a face like a Halloween cake". God knows why I found it so funny but it was more manic than joy. It felt less like happy and content and more like hysteria. I couldn't even tell my wife what I was laughing at because I couldn't speak and she ended up in fits of laughter too at me observing that she has never seen me laugh like that in years- i.e. pre-anxiety problems. And I haven't. I don't laugh out loud (LOL) much nowadays not in recent years yet I used to laugh lots. But what started off as feeling like a glimpse of normality again soon turned to fear that I was breaking down. So daft but there it is. It was fear of losing control but more importantly to note: Fear of something. In both cases the emotion I thought was the problem was not the problem in itself but the extra emotion I added to it was: Fear.
I was in two minds whether to post this or not but I don't want to censor my posting too much. Believe it or not I do actually do that already. I can only conclude that my emotions are very strong at the moment as a result of a prolonged period of anxiety and I am slowly coming to terms with it. When it all started I put too much emphasis on the actual emotions but now I am starting to see all emotions are magnified. As I have not experienced this before it has certainly spooked me and to some extent still spooks me. But its not a constant thing. It comes in waves though sometimes that wave can last days until I find a way to get on top of it- which I usually do.
Still I wait for the sun to shine knowing that what moods I can't lift with my own volition will certainly be lifted by being able to get outdoors more. But like all anxious times they will pass. If it is cyclic then they certainly passed in the past and disappeared from memory until I recalled them. This is something else I have been thinking about. These "episodes" feel like emotional memories. They feel rooted to the past and not anything to do with the present. And without a doubt I have learned in the past two weeks these things only occur when I am residing in my own head. On the few times I have been out or otherwise occupied they are at bay so I can't help thinking my habit of introspection goes a long way to sustaining these problems and until I get out of that habit the problems will continue to exist so must change that.
Lastly as dark as this post is please note in a month from now it will be a past event and I won't even be thinking about it. That is life. Its about dealing with the present as best as you can and making the most of it. They say you feel what you think and a more positive outlook on life for all of us would be no bad thing- well for me at least.
