My youngest girl "graduated" from nursery yesterday. There she is above in all her clobber. As you have come to know I was not there even though its just a mile down the road. Another child goes to school and the coming of age ceremony passes me by. The boy will start nursery in the coming Easter so there is still a chance where he was the only one who's birth I missed that I will make it up a little by sending him off to school.
I was very impressed when my daughter came back home. She was very excited because as well as a book she had been given a school tie and I think for her the realisation of the change set in. And it will be a big change for her. My oldest went to nursery all day and had lunch there- it was a different nursery. Whereas my youngest only goes to nursery for 3.5 hours so the long day with a dinner time will be a big change. The years are really rolling past too fast. She brought back a big book of all the work she had done with had a photo of her classmates on the front and a photo of her inside in her gown and hat with scroll in hand- all for show of course. But it was a nice little package to sit down with and have her talk me through it all and tell me all the names of her nursery chums.
Meanwhile back in my little space its still mainly calm and no adventures out into the big bad world to speak of. Rather tame in fact. So panic hasn't been much of an issue but I did have one episode on Monday which however fleeting really knocked me for six at the time. I hadn't had much sleep and there were other factors too which are much to tedious and other too private to mention but not long after getting up I was panicking. Its strange what you can still do with panic when you have no choice. There I was having a full blown panic attack and the kids and wife were totally oblivious. My wife handed me a bowl of wheatabix to feed the boy with and that is what I done while the thought that I had to get out of the room, the house, the planet and however further still shouted in my head. And at the same time I knew fleeing made no difference.
This is what it is. No matter where I am or the situation it is the inability to handle the thoughts and sensations which dictates my actions. It is what keeps me on self preservation duty not because I think it will kill me but because I don't want to experience that despair. It is in essence that needing to flee from something you cannot flee from, that inability to fight something you cannot fight because it is internal. It is a response to act physically that cannot be honoured and so scares the life out of me. The knowledge that I am open to it at any time it desires to rear its ugly head is what probably keeps it going. But that episode I mentioned strangely passed after no more than 10 minutes- it was a long 10 minutes. It showed that it can pass but it doesn't make me any more confident in dealing with the next one but lucky in my safe haven of late I have not had to deal with many of them. Alas though that is not going to help me in the long run. At some point I must peer over the trench and make a run for it again.
That time is sort of coming around now. I say sort of because I am getting the urge to push out but at the same time the schools are winding down and in 3 days time I face 7 weeks of the kids at home. I really do find it harder with the kids. When my family go away I manage to go further. I have no doubt that were one of our relatives to take the kids for a week I would manage a lot more. Its not their fault. Its just that I can't find any sort of calm among the constant bickering and general noise when they are around. I cannot concentrate on preparing myself or fighting my fears when I have to keep telling them off or when we are out for a walk ensuring they do not wander on to the road- which has happened a few times. I do feel guilty saying that as I love them to bits and in no way want to say they are hindering me but the truth is almost 2 months of the kids isn't going to make getting out any easier. I think the problem is that I find it hard enough trying to cope with myself and looking after the needs of the kids is harder for it.
Still though I can't use that as an excuse and nor will I be able to. When the urge arises to get out then its in my best interests to follow that urge. Being out there is the only way forward. In the right way of course. If you are pushing yourself outside only to constantly flee home in panic then that isn't doing you any good at all. So over the coming weeks and months I hope to feel my way back into the world like I did last year. After these holidays are over then for 6 hours a day it will be just me, my wife and the boy on weekday so there is no reason why I can't do more at that time. That is something to look forward to and hopefully a window of opportunity.
