Things are worse than I have cared to acknowledge or admit to myself. Its not something to send me over the edge, don't panic!, but a realisation. In my head a sort of see a series of states from the bed ridden agoraphobic to the confident carefree. Were it a ladder then I have known for a while that I am not that far off the bottom rung and the top disappears into a vanishing point above the clouds. But I don't think I've ever admitted it to myself or anyone else. Again its more of a kind of acceptance to acknowledge this than a torment.
Now I am totally anchored to the house. Its not the situation its just everything away from the house and its all to do with the house. That is why I cannot walk very far. I could walk around my house all day if I wanted to but who would want to? What I can't do is walk very far in any given direction. What I can't do is stay anywhere for any considerable time. I am being pulled back to the house all the time. A while back I posted about it being like elastic binding us and the further I venture the more taut the elastic gets. And that is the way it is. But it wasn't always that way.
One day. One moment. I went from that to this. One incident and I slipped right down the ladder to the ground. Its still up there. I have climbed a few rungs since and slipped a couple of times but still I keep climbing. Never though since that day have I got back to that rung again. That is the next target for me. To be able to go out and stay out. To be able to walk far from the house. To basically cut this elastic bind so I can look at properly challenging my agoraphobia. And to do that I have to do more than I am doing. Of late I have been skirting around my small safety zone not wanting to test myself. I was way beyond where I am now last year. But I can't get there again sitting at home worrying about the consequences. No I think its a big swift kick up the hindquarters to start pushing myself again and trying to stay out more than I am doing.
I know its not a great pic, I will try to get another one, but if the old guy above can do it then I have to believe I can. It might take him longer but he gets a lot further than I do on his old bones. I need to get this obsession with a possible physical problem out of the way and start working solely on the mental side. Maybe I need to stop comparing and making relative assumptions too. Thanks again for the two linked posts because as I said above they are always an inspiration to read.
If this post is a little disjointed or a big bit so apologies in advance. I seem to have trouble at the moment thinking clearly and stopping my focus from wandering. Its kind of welded together like a bad montage that doesn't fit. The more I analyse my situation the more confused I get and the more tangents I spin off into. For example I did mean to post also about my situation with the kids which I will leave for another time. But what I think I am asking myself here is whether I have a phobia to get over before I consider social situations and how to tackle it. If I cannot stay outdoors for any length of time then maybe that is an aspect of my problems that needs exposure. Maybe I do have to sit out and face the panic and see where it takes me. Because to be honest that is what is holding me back. If I am in the car I fear getting stuck. I also have developed recently the fear of breaking down somewhere as a consequence. So that is the fear I need to conquer first. I'm not sure how or even if I can but unless I can get over that fear of being out I cannot get very far up that ladder again. But then again it brings me back to dealing with panic again. Regardless of the catalyst it still comes back to dealing with panic.
