High seas

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Six or seven years ago I awoke in the dark of night. I lay there for a few moments as I swayed. Sitting up in the bed when my head started to spin and I felt the desire to lie back down again. But I had to take a look so I pulled back the small curtain to view the terror outside. Rain lashed, wind swirled and the waves smashed. It was a storm and despite the bulk and size of the vessel we were in it was being thrown about like a cat playing with a mouse. It reminded me of Galleons lost in the high seas in books I had read. With the curtain pulled back I could see my wife to be, then. sleeping soundly. I lay back and tried to sleep but most of the journey over to the Rotterdam was sleepless.

The peaks and troughs of the stormy seas is much like my day today. It has really been a moment of high and a moment of low as the yo-yo continued all day. But better than one big low. If we have anxiety in our lives on a daily basis this is something we are accustomed too.

Most of the day was good. I rose early and watched the kids till my wife finally rose and overall coped well- sad analysis to have to make watching your own children but true. Throughout the day I had ups and downs though which I think was partly down to the kids with their cabin fever hitting the highest notes possible and bouncing off of every wall continually. More accurately the up and down was my level of coping with it without letting my emotions dictate.

When my wife's friend came round I was fine for an hour then was hit with sudden panic. The oldest girl was being extremely irritating to the point where I would normally blow a gasket but as there was company there it all welled up inside of me. I pleaded for her to calm down but she just kept at it and at it and at it again. Smiles, anger, agitation, more smiles, more anger, spiralling, out of control.

Somehow I did control the panic but for about a 10 minute spell I was constantly filled with thoughts of fleeing. When the friend went my face ached, my shoulders ached and my back was killing me. All tension but it does not just go. It is like my body is tight and won't slacken for a long time after. Can't make the body loosen through thought like lifting a hand or blowing a kiss. Think- do. With tension its: think- two fingers back in return. At the point of panic I was actually getting a pain close to my left armpit on my chest which made me worry further.

It is not the kids fault. Spending all day in a small flat is no life for them and to get excited when someone comes around is nothing short of normal- as is to show off at that age. What is the problem is my reaction to it. I have to learn to handle that better. I do try but fail every time.

I didn't go for a walk but did put some stuff outside so at least there was a little exercise and a little exposure to the outside without crumbling to dust. There was little problem in going for a walk but for once my wife wanted to order food in so I didn't want to spoil it with feeling bad after a walk and ruining my appetite through anxiety. I'm full up not but it's too late, 23:05, to go for a walk now.

Tomorrow my wife is taking the kids away for a few hours to my sister who has just had a baby. I'll go for a walk then and hopefully top that up with another walk at night. Then it will be all about settling down those hyper little souls as they wait for the big beardy bloke to come down the chimney we don't have. Happy days.