Suggestible

Setbacks come when you least expect them and sometimes you don't even see why- in fact mostly. I have not had a setback but can see how I could have had one. All told its been a good week. The walks continue and I have done a few new things. But then it can all fall apart very quickly. In my anxious state I am very suggestible- irrationally so. This can be the spark to set me back as I get anxious and the fear cycle is set in motion.

So far this week I went to the supermarket, into my wife's work and had a one hour phone call. All good for me. Last night I felt like a bit of chocolate- not literally. The kids had some chocolate buttons and I could not shift the notion. When I went for my walk later in the evening I passed the supermarket and decided to venture in again. Once more it was only to the kiosk at the front door but it is still something. There I bought 3 bars of chocolate. They are actually at this time still in the fridge.

It differs every time. Last night I actually touched normality at times but was continually brought back to my anxiety. As I entered the supermarket I consciously loosened myself and tried to keep telling myself all was OK. I tried to think positive thoughts but every time I drifted my thoughts quickly returned to my irregular breathing or that long walk home in the event of an attack. But on the whole a very comfortable walk in comparison to recent weeks. All good and I hope with time this can become more so if I can stick at it.

This I have been through many times before. Life appears vaguely on the horizon, the spirit lifts and the future looks better. Confidence slowly grows and you spend less time worrying about symptoms. Instead of fearing the next walk you look forward to it. It is the prime time for something to come out of the blue and whack you so hard that you are knocked off your feet for weeks after. We come to know it but can do nothing to stop it.

Today I was reading the paper and my attention was drawn to a story I have read many times with the same effect. A 22 year old nurse from Aberdeen had dropped dead- just like that. I felt the dread. Why can someone apparently healthy just drop down dead? What if I drop down dead? She had a blood clot in the heart and here am I a smoker who lacks physical exercise, a prime candidate. Worse than that what if my wife drops dead? I cannot cope with myself never mind with 3 children. All the scenarios played out in my head- all the dark ones.

To be honest they are still there. That story is still vividly there. It has only just replaced the countless other ones I have read. Not once have I said to myself convincingly that while this happens to people there are millions of others it does not happen to. That would be rational. And if it was to happen then what is the point of worrying about it now? But that is just the way I am.

I get very suggestive. I read ailments and feel ill. I remember the BBC website used to host a weekly journal by a fairly young journalist who had a brain tumour and I just had to quickly look away. The only time I lingered with morbid fascination was when I read about his death one day on the site and the young family he left behind. For weeks, maybe months, I could not get that out of my head. I just cannot seem to cope mentally with mortality without creating dreaded scenarios in my own life. Even my family going away I think of car crashes or plane crashes and the like.

This is something I need sorted out in my own head. Where life looks better again I quickly descend into darkness at the smallest thing. Even when I am thinking about how better things are I suddenly think about going to work again and think I cannot possibly do that then think about all the other things I cannot do. But I done them before so why not? My state over time dupes me into believing they are not possible but I know that if one day I am out working and going on holidays with my family these thoughts will no longer be present. Start looking at the good things in life, like chocolate.