The thing I like best about this time of year is standing at the window and watching people fall over. Not something you should happily admit or readily give without the prompting of an inquisitor but there you are. What I don't find fun is being on the other side of the pane slipping and a sliding. Its been hard of late trying to keep upright but today was awful. On a small walk around the block I counted 7 separate times where I nearly ended up on my backside. Its not pain I'm worried about- though I'm quite sure the solid ice surface won't provide a very soft landing- its the embarrassment. As someone who prefers to blend in rather than stand out the fall is at the forefront of my mind. So far I've had just the one fall which luckily no-one saw.
It has though not stopped me getting out as much as the dread is increased. In fact I've been getting out more than expected despite this period of high anxiety and shattered nerves. It got me thinking yesterday. This blog has been great for me. I do appreciate all the help and encouragement I have had over its time as well as the words of wisdom. For me though it takes a while for the penny to drop whereas with others realisations seem to connect almost instantly. One such realisation was something offered last year by someone but I cannot remember who- only that they do not post regularly. The person said that it is important to try each day even if you don't manage to follow it through to its conclusion or words to that effect. I could sort of see it at the time but now I see it crystal clear and it is so apt for my situation. The reason I say my own situation is that no matter how alike alot of our situations are there are always variations. For some trying each day is not the answer and instead building for a single event.
This period has been good for seeing my situation more clearly. There are different kinds of anxiety and one of those is general anxiety- that anxiety which is always there in the background. It doesn't rise and fall over minutes and hours but instead days and weeks. Up until Christmas time I'd had about 6 months of mostly lower than normal general anxiety which I feel allowed me to get out. When that anxiety is high, like now, it takes very little to set it into panic. You can feel it there constantly and when its stuck on high I do think it can lead to things like agitation, depression or some other manifestation of inner turmoil. When that anxiety was lower it was a lot easier to try going out each day. Its harder in that period to see why you were not doing it before.
It is not so easy however when general anxiety is high and you know within yourself that in each situation you put yourself in their is a high probability of panic. That alone is enough to stop a person trying because they know what they are going to get and its not a nice existence getting those sensations every time for a prolonged period. But I now see in my situation I have to keep trying because I have proved to myself in the last couple of days that it doesn't always goes bad. Sometimes it still does but occasionally it doesn't. The reason though it is important for me is that if I don't get out then my mental state will deteriorate as it was starting to do over the holidays.
What I have also learned, again in my situation only, is that my outlook is shifting intentionally. No longer am I looking to congratulate myself for a new achievement like getting somewhere new or even just repeating something again that I couldn't do 6 months ago. Now it is all about taking contentment in trying each day. And with that also I am not whipping myself for not carrying things through if I can't- the symptoms of panic do enough of that without me adding to it. Each day try to get out regardless of how I am feeling and when out if I can't go far and have to turn back then at least I've tried- that is the positive I take. If I hadn't had this change then I think I would have started going backwards. Already I was starting to put things off for fear of panic. For example I refused to go to my daughter's nursery and yesterday I didn't fancy it either because I was feeling so jittery but I tried it, did it and done it again today. I might not do it tomorrow but I will try. And if I don't then I will sit at home berating myself. Most importantly though it does not matter how much or how little but just something.
So that's my little realisation which seems to be working for now. I haven't been walking far of late but this week despite these slippery surfaces and the fear of starring in my own slap stick comedy sketch my walks have increased because I am trying to get out without pressurising myself. Meanwhile the weather hasn't been getting any better. Today is the coldest so far. My wife tells me it was -13 in the car today- she has become obsessed with the temperature in the car which has replaced her recent obsession with fuel prices at garages. There is no sign of the paths being gritted nor anything but the main roads. The overnight cold has really frozen the paths this morning and it is like a skating rink. It looks inviting but at the same time it holds fear but must be trodden.
