Haven't had much to blog about this past week to be honest and that trend continues but I felt the need to post something at least in case people had thought I'd fallen off the side of the planet. Its hard to describe things at the moment. Its like I'm still waiting for the year, decade, to begin and in the meantime the monotony of a life that is the same each day fills the gaps with no promise of anything new on the horizon. The turn of the year was not a time where I made plans for the future, just more firefighting in the year ahead and maybe that is why I have become very irritable with the kids and lacking in any material to blog about. When I go out with my camera all I see are the same things I have taken many photographs of previously. At home its the same noise and tantrums. There is something lacking. Something that I must find myself. A little bitty thing to give me the spark to propel myself into life instead of pushing my way in to it with no purpose.
Anyway I think that is what catapulted me out the door tonight. Things coming to a head and the need to just be somewhere different. An hour before I went out I had already tried taking my oldest daughter and made it just past the end of the street before losing my rag. She insisted on taking a toy High School Musical mp3 player with her and cried and threw fits and all else when the headphones kept falling out her ears to the point where I had enough and sent her home on her own. From behind a bush I watched her sulk all the way to the door and slip inside while trying to bring my stress levels down. Then realising I was already defeated I followed her lead. I should say that this is a culmination of factors. The boy has been very ill and for the last few days I've been ill as well as pulling some buggering muscle in my neck while the girls have found an attitude that doesn't blend well with my mood and as much as I know it does me no good to blow my top I do it on instinct.
An hour or so later I had calmed down enough to head back out on my own. I had a couple of routes in mind and chose to go down the nearest one which seemed logical. In my mind I had a photo- that old chestnut again. And as any regular reader has come to expect what I had in mind never quite came to fruition but the small jaunt was worth more than any digital image. And that photo was of a passing train at night and to do that I would have to get trackside.
In terms of distance I'd chosen the closest route but hadn't actually thought it through. The other two routes were straight forward. When I got to my destination, above, I realised I'd have to climb up. Not good for me at the best of times but less so in the snow on a very steep incline. And I should just say that just as I approached the bridge a train passed and I realised also that I should have looked on the web to get train times. Anyway I attempted to climb and fell back down a few times making lots of groaning sounds and a bit of a fool of myself. Grabbing branches I tried to keep as even a keel as I could and eventually made the mount but not without some difficulty. At the top that should have been that after I had pushed my way through more low hanging branches but it wasn't.
Now for the anxiety part. I was there. All I needed to do was wait but I can't wait. Not only that but I had a growing feeling of paranoia. Were there people about here watching me? Probably not and the silence begged to differ but I couldn't rid myself of the feeling- some weirdo climbing up slopes with a camera. Then there were the few houses in close proximity which would not have been used to anyone being outside their home in the dark and never mind making such a noise scrambling up a bridge. What would any of them think if they looked out of their window? Would they call the police? And on top of that the growing paranoia was causing growing panic to the point where I could hardly hold the camera to take some test shots in the dark to get the correct exposure. I got the tripod out, a little gorillapod which is a godsend, and mounted it but even then I was starting to shake. Ridiculous but the feeling was very real. As always the overriding feeling was of where I was in relation to home and the things that could stop me returning there and that it might be a slog to get back and also whether the tension caused by anxiety would allow me enough air in my lungs to make it.
To cut a long story short I stayed longer than I thought I could and actually passed into a kind of calm. You may think I went through panic which would be something to celebrate but I did not. I guess this is why I cannot see that happening any time soon. I calmed and managed to compose myself but the threat was still ever present and rather than being able to fully relax I was fighting the next attack off. I waited all of 5 minutes which doesn't sound much, and on reflection I wish I had stayed longer now, but it was more than I expected. Part of my mentality thinks that I have a job ahead so might as well get it over and done with. No train passed by but I did at least get some photos to prove I was there.
When when I was finished I went full tilt on my backside down the slope at speed grabbing at branches which should have been a cause for embarrassment but for some reason I found myself lying flat on my back in the snow laughing to myself in the partial dark and eerie silence. It was a very strange feeling but good, almost primitive, and it was only when walking home and passing two people going in the direction I came from that I realised I might have felt different had I looked up to see a couple of eyes staring down.
Anyways, all good and a much needed diversion tonight which for a small time gave me some peace. Despite the perceived threat standing on the bridge waiting for a train to come there was something very peaceful about being on my own in silence with no one, I could see, around. It was a feeling part of me wanted to hold on to but the anxious part was jumping up and down banging cymbals vigorously to distract me. I didn't get the shot I wanted but that can wait for another night and is an excuse to go down again- though not too often or the residents down there will be suspicious. At the very least at a time I have been struggling to get out it has at least got me out and will do again.
