Wish

They say be careful what you wish for. I wished for a proper summer, I was no alone and now we have it. I am melting. We are all melting.

But I am not complaining. Apart from the hit my walks have taken because is so much more difficult trying to get far in baking heat it has been all good. Even just sitting out is good. UV rays my skin has missed and needed are back and the spirit soars with it. Good also for visits because we are not confined to many in a small room but outside where its less claustrophobic. Yesterday it was my youngest daughter's birthday and we sat out the whole day. Well the adults did. The kids for some reason disappeared indoors to play the Wii for most of the time.

And finally I have the decision of my appeal against ATOS's decision to declare me fit for work. What is that decision? I still don't know. It arrived this morning and the letter sits in a pile unopened. It won't be opened in the daylight hours. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. I know the answer so I am putting it off because I know it will lead to a bout of desperate panic. I put everything off until tomorrow and therein lies my problem. I can't seem to face up to it- I cannot still face the panic.

Its been a strange old week. Most of it has been spent alone while the family were down South for a good few days at a wedding. The wife and boy came back first and the girls arrived back yesterday. So its back to a full home and long days and long weeks ahead. I am trying to work harder with the CBT. I can feel myself starting to slip back. And the problem also with the holidays is I start to stay up later and later but don't rise any later and so fatigue slowly builds which in this heat is no good.

But enough moaning. A short little post from the dull confines of this room before heading out into the sunlight- hopefully a metaphor for something.

Archeologist

One in a million. What do you make of that? Its a good things, the majority would say. I am no different. But somewhere in the back of my mind cogs start to turn. One in a million. An estimated seven billion people on the planet. So really you are no different from seven thousand others. American million is different from a British million. Isn't it? Apparently not. Apparently its the same. Maybe its in relation to millionaire. Off my mind goes on a tangent, off my fingers go on google. At some point I have to step in and say: STOP! OK its stopped. But very soon it will be away processing again.

What this constant process does is tire the mind. Its constantly clogged with on-going processing which doesn't leave much CPU for anything else. Its also distracting. It can pull you in. You get dragged in there and pull out answers and ask more questions. Introspection.

Most people spend most of their time thinking at the surface level. I spend most of my own much deeper than that. If you think of the surface level being the real world then that is where most people live. Not me. I am the archeologist constantly digging under the surface looking for my next gem (of information). A metaphorical workaholic digging deeper and deeper below. Reside there and not in the real world makes the real world a strange scary place. Its an uncomfortable place. While on a dig for days or weeks or maybe even months I can find myself dragged back to the surface to participate in the real world with visits and going out and its difficult to adjust. I panic. I feel very uncomfortable. And as dark and lonely as the beneath is I crave to get back there. So much so I am overwhelmed by the urge to escape.

This is how I see it. But its not bad. Not if you can see it. And not if you believe there is a way that may lead to less digging and more time spend in the real world. Stop digging, you say. Yes. That is indeed it. It is though easier said than done. The concious effort to stop is a very temporary thing and its tiring in itself to keep doing that and to be honest near impossible to keep up. Mindfulness. That is I believe the way to do it. Actively being more mindful. Its something I need to try. Mindfulness and dealing with problems instead of letting them linger- something I have mentioned before. Two things. My resolutions for 2013. I hope I have made my last dig or at least now start to tunnel back up to the surface.