At sea

Bits and pieces that make no sense at all now and are very vague led up to the scene where I was in some type of boat. It was small, I was at water level. The movement was not right and even I knew that. It was more like a remote control car on the living room carpet than a boat on water. The acceleration was too swift but I did not fall back with the burst of speed. Instead I seemed to glide along with it. I was sitting at the prow and could feel the water spray on my face. We were going forward and then too suddenly changed direction at a 45 degree angle heading straight for a man in a little rowing boat. Now to smash his boat in two through the side because now I was sitting higher in the water in a larger vessel. I could see the sharp front of our boat heading straight for the smaller one. This captain is a madman, I thought. I shut my eyes for the impact. I heard nothing. The little boat was now on the port side. How it got there so quickly I don't know. The man in it looked impassively at me. Grey beard, pipe and a fisherman's hat with a thick black coat. I'd seen him earlier. In fact this was the third time I had seen him and always expressionless. He didn't seem to think anything was a miss and if he had known his little boat was nearly cut in two then he was not showing it.

Suddenly it was like me had moved from open seas to a coast. There was a big castle. I patted my pockets for my little camera and cursed to find them empty. Bloody typical. I don't get much of an opportunity to take photos of anything other than my small surrounding area and now with the opportunity of new photography I don't have my camera. It happens every time, in dreams. Maybe this was the first seed planted for the inevitable but I did not know that at the time. As the scene passed before there were lots more things of interest to take in and curse. A waterfall. Lots more besides but I cannot at this time recall.

My first thought was to go back and get my camera but a few problems with that. Firstly I had no idea where I was. I had no idea how I got here. Also I had no idea where the camera was. Lastly, we were in a boat so how could I get back on land to get my camera- I just knew I didn't have it with me. The last thought was a second seed. Now I see them. Little thoughts connecting to make bigger thoughts. Then I remember thinking I should find my wife and see if I could borrow her phone. Not ideal but something at least.

The journey outside to in I cannot remember. I'm not quite sure how I started in a little rowing boat and ended in a large boat and nor did I even give it a second thought inside what I can only describe as a cruise ship or maybe something smaller but bigger than a ferry. There were people walking about with enough room not to have to squeeze past each other. I found my wife but I don't think I asked her about her phone and then she was gone and I was somewhere else on the boat, or ship, entirely.

I was then on the deck again. I could see my son on some kind of fairground ride high up and my wife was there with them. I think I saw the girls too. And as I was watching this I started to feel a real dread consume me. A kind of deja vu. A black cloud enveloping my mind. All of a sudden I started to panic and the thoughts came rushing in. Where am I? How can I get home? I need to get home now. I'm on a boat, I can't get off. I'm trapped. Panic after panic as I clawed my way nowhere in particular but just pushed by the urge to flee somewhere I was trapped. Panic leading to despair leading elsewhere I don't want to go. And then I woke.

It took a few minutes for reality to settle in and to calm a little. The dream was now gone but the adrenline rushes from that dream were very much real and I could feel it coursing through me. The panic subsided as soon as the dream ended and reality seeped in but I was still feeling jittery.

It doesn't happen that often but I suppose regular in as much as I don't recall dreams that often. Its always the same story but different people and locations. It as not always this way but in the last few years this seems to be happening more and more. It always pans out the same no matter where I am or who I am with or even when I am- I have had one where I was in my early twenties or there about. Always I start off with no concerns and like the before time then as the dream goes on my anxiety from life creeps in and I have a panic attack. Always it stops when the dream stops and with the panic that is when the dream stops.

I'm not a great one for dream analysis or that kind of thing but I can't help thinking there is a purpose to this and maybe something I am to take from it. I don't know. Might be well off the mark. Its not the first time I have written about here. Even as far back as 3 years ago I wrote about another dream like this in "The Mount". Maybe its just the mind trying to make sense of it all. Maybe not. Maybe there is a purpose. Maybe if I get through the panic in the safety of dreamland it will help me in the real world though I doubt it because in slumber we are even less aware and everything seems to happen without our will. Maybe it is just a reflection on my mental state and will only stop happening when I am on top of the panic. Maybe its a reminder than I am not and need to do something about it.

And that could well be what it is. I have not worked on my anxiety since the end of last year. I probably need a kick up the backside to get me going again. I've not had that much panic in the past month or so and have become complacent despite as agoraphobic as I ever was and as fatigued as I ever have been this last half decade or so. It is time to get working again.