Merry Christmas

Like the calm after a storm I now sit alone with Christmas paper and abandoned presents strewn all over the place. The wife and kids have traveled safely the hour up north for Christmas with her family and will be back at the end of the week. So a quiet time. A time of silent contemplation.

Its been good looking through the Christmas photos on Facebook seeing friends and their family. Its been good conversing with people. There is a good feeling. I think most Christmas days past I have felt a little depressed to be alone but not this year. I think because its been a good year I feel in a much better mood during this period. So much so I have decided to give myself a week off without the fear that it will set me back. It doesn't mean staying in for the sake of it but only going out when I need to rather than pushing myself out the door 3 or more times a day. Just chill time.

Of course part of me wishes I was somewhere else and around family. This year I actually feel capable of doing it. In fact if it was just my wife and I then I would have tried it. I don't fear it like I have every other year for so long. I feel I can go. I feel I can do it. It does not mean I can but it is a big step in the right direction feeling I can try. I do not see those negative outcomes I usually do and these are what brings too much apprehension that leads inevitably to panic.

Why didn't I try? Its difficult with kids and with pets. With the latter they would have to be rounded up and loaded in carriers as well as getting litter trays, litter and food. It would be too much hassle to do that, get halfway up and maybe have to turn back and unload again then my wife would have the journey to start over again. That goes too for the kids. They were excited and it would be a shame firstly for them to have to turn back and again for my wife to have basically double the journey to do. But if it was just me and her it would be so much simpler. I actually thought about asking her if she would come back down on one of the days and try taking me  up but that again is an inconvenience. It would been 120 mile drive for her and someone else having to watch the kids for a few hours too.

No go but something to work to. We were talking about this a week ago saying if it was not for having to do the loft we could have tried drives up north while the kids were at school. Its something we will do in the new year. In fact a lot of drives as I have another appointment with the job centre which I will need to try going to before the middle of February. Also have to try going through to my parents as well.

Positive. All positives. Merry Christmas to one and all.