I have to be honest and say that my new graduated exposure route was ripped up. Owing to a problem I had a few weeks ago I decided to restart by CBT from scratch but it was again delayed because the kids are off school this week so I will start again next week. Previously I had a plan to take a train ride and got through steps one and two. Then it all ended and in truth I have not given it any thought since. In actual fact I had already decided that when I started my CBT again I would not do the train ride but instead plan for a bus ride. I decided that with good reason.
Doing the CBT and in particular the graduated exposure it is important not to overstretch yourself. There is a troubleshooting guide to refer to when it isn't working and that is what I turned to when getting to step three in the graduated exposure felt impossible to me. The guide said that if its causing to much anxiety then either break it up into smaller steps or change to something that causes less anxiety to begin with. Breaking it up into smaller steps is wise but in this instance a no go for me. Already going down that root was causing me too much paranoia- the waiting bit- so breaking it down smaller was not going to help. In fact the route was too awkward and the only other route was much longer- too long for me. So when I start the CBT again I will be doing something else. I think a bus ride would cause less anxiety and would be a way to start.
So that is in the future and was not on my mind as I went for a walk today taking the route to school because I did not want to be missing out on that with the schools off this week. Even a week away from it makes it harder for me to go there after. It is therefore important to keep doing it which is what I am doing. Like all things.
Today that's what I was doing and then found myself walking down the street towards the train station. It was was actually the second time this week. On Monday I was surprised to find myself at the entrance where the cars go in and to do I wanted to try to get there again. Like all things. Repeat and repeat and repeat some more and hope that at some stage it gets easier. I got there. I lingered and lurked and thought the urge to cut and run. I stood. I argued in my mind. I dillied and I dallied and just as I was about to go when the feeling to flee got to much to hold back I suddenly thought: Bugger it. And instead of heading back I ventured into the lions den.
A road. Walk down the road. Excpecting soon to see the station in view. I knew what to look for. Once upon a time I had my own flat up North and used to travel down here on a Friday and back up on a Sunday. I'd been here few times by car. I was expecting the station and as I turned the corner was not disappointed. It was there. But so were so many other people. Lots of people. I didn't expect that. Why I expected it to be barren I do not know but it was not. Both sides of the track were full of people. I ventured further to the track side. So many people that there were no benches to sit on. No matter, I was not staying. Remember: wait until the anxiety drops by half. Aye right. Its not going to drop, its going to blow through the roof. Yes it was as good as into panic and that is maybe why I could not make up my mind which way to flee- back the way I came or through the woodland as I had been trying previously to reach here. And as it became apparent I could not think clearly enough to make up my mind I just went wherever. Wherever turned out to be right down the platform as far as it would go without anywhere else to go and to my horror and disgust I realised I'd have to walk back just to get where I was. Buggery!
Starting out some weeks before this moment was very different. I arrived at the station calmy and took a seat on a bench on an empty platform. I sat for a few minutes soaking it all up and telling myself how well I had done. I took out my camera to capture the seen and post it on my blog. Taking time to get the right compositon. Then I would calmly leave by the route I came. That was how it was going to be in my head.
This was fast turning into blind panic. I was instead in panic, surround by a mass of people, not able to take any photos and not sure which direction I should be heading in. Finally though I escaped. I was down the woodland path, actually the shorter route home which started to sink in half way along it, and up an ascending road home struggling to get a proper breath and shaking. Much fun on reflection. Not so much at the time.
So I did it. Can I do it again? Can I go to the next steps of firstly waiting and then getting on a train? I really don't want to think about it to be honest. The one thing I have learned is that some things are better unplanned and just allowed their own free will and space to occur all by themselves. At least that is how it felt. For one it removes any apprehension which can only exist with planning.
An achievement then. And it is a big achievement because I never in these past few years even up to a week ago thought I would ever be able to get there. But that, thankfully, seems to be happening a lot. I thought the same with the school and now go there regularly. I have thought the same with so many things. I need to top thinking and keep doing and slowly this may all come together. If nothing else I feel for once that I might actually make it.
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