Church

Today I went to church. Not to pray but for a charity day. Well I say I went but it was more I dipped my toe in the water so to speak. But that is something I would not even have contemplated doing a year ago.

It was a charity raising event at the church in the next street and I was determined to at least try going with my wife and kids and their friends. So I went around full of apprehension and this did not ease as I squeezed past people in through the narrow doorway to the entrance where there were more people and a few ladies at a table taking payment to enter- there were raffles and free tea and cake. My wife paid and I was already starting to regret it as I saw a very long and very narrow corridor with people coming and going and the main hall not in sight.

I went. My legs were shaking and I was sweating. In my mind all I could see was escape. The escape plan was being constantly drawn in my mind as I moved past people down the corridor and around a corner finally to enter a big church hall. It was filled with tables, seats, faces and noise- mainly kids. The curiosity I'd had prior to going had been satisfied and now it was time to leave. I'd done it and that was enough.

As I stood there though I was aware of a few things. Firstly the CBT came back to me about graduated exposure and the message that it was pointless doing this if I left straight away with anxiety set on high. The only benefit to be gained was to wait until anxiety dropped at least half. The other thing that came to me was the kids. My wife was frantically trying to sort out cakes and juice and tables for them as well as coffee for herself. So I decided to stay. Stay long enough at least to get them all settled. So I did. I helped get the juices and cakes for them and found them a table to sit at. As much as I would normally grab the opportunity of a cuppa and cake to go with it the anxiety was preventing me.

Finally I sat down next to my oldest daughter and her friend. Just staring into space. Felt totally unconnected to the rest of what was going on around me. The bright lights, the constant movement of people coming and going, the noise bouncing off the walls and the unfamiliarity of it all being out somewhere that was not the living room on a Saturday morning. Try as I might to sit there and accept and let anxiety do it thing until the adrenaline burnt out it just kept flaring. And from the CBT I know this is what it does: there goes another adrenaline rush. The rush and the urge to escape and the acceptance then the rush again over and over again in a constant cycle.

I looked at my phone. 10 minutes. The CBT says don't put a time limit on it. It can take as long as it takes for the anxiety to finally settle. 10 minutes obviously was not enough. I never thought it would be and it wasn't. After 10 minutes though I'd had my fill. I'd done more than I set out to do. Despite the urge to just bolt out the door I didn't. I took my time saying goodbye to everyone- everyone I could find that is- and slowly went and kept going.

Doing something like this has a strange effect. The adrenaline does not stop pumping after escape but keeps going and I find works to your advantage rather than disadvantage. It kept me walking and walking and walking until I had gone the furthest East I had ever gone. And then back home having covered a fair distance.

So a positive. Not the breakthrough I always hope for but something positive at least- something new. I have to understand that it is going to take time. I have been stuck in this home so long that being anywhere else is going to take time to adjust too like someone stuck in solitary for a few years then overwhelmed when released back into the wild. But its a step in the right direction.

And now I feel incredibly fatigued as a result but it was worth it.