The darkness and the light

I hope my posts of late have been a bit more update than they have been in the, even recent, past. Certainly as far as anxiety is concerned that is the mood. Happy, content, growing confidence and more hope day by day. But (Oh no here it comes) its not all positives. On that score I won't go into much detail if any at all. I think though its important to note. I see myself as being on the path to recovery but without knowing if that is truely the case or whether I will get to the other side but I feel that is the direction I am heading for the first time in my life and that is all I can ask for. If I was offered this at the start of the year I would have taken it with glee so I am happy with it now.

As I said its not all positive and it is important to stress this point. I do not want anyone in the same position reading these posts and getting the impression that its all easy and everything just goes swell and life is sweet and all that crap. Its not. Particularly my physical well being which is not OK and is cause for concern at times but whether that is concern well founded or all in my head I do not know. That is the problem with not being able to see a doctor or a dentist or visit a hospital. That is also one of the problems with dealing with anxiety too. So many anxiety related symptoms are the same as symptoms with a more worrying physical cause and self help tells us to accept these as anxiety as if having an anxiety disorder makes us immune to all the other problems that crop up in life. We, or me at least, are suggestive in this state too which compounds the matter. I think of news recently on Facebook of the natural death of someone I knew at high school, the same age, or being told the neighbour, not much older, has cancer. All this things exist in life and people with anxiety disorders are not excluding from them and those of an agoraphobic nature do not have the reassurance of being checked over and told its OK- or its not. Its a limbo.

But it is also one of many other reasons to get better and be able to do those things. In the meantime all we can do is accept those things and hope they are "just anxiety". But what about the things that are certainly not just anxiety? There are many of those and those are harder to just accept.

There is an irrational feeling among people with panic disorder that something is out to get them. A feeling that something is working against them. I am no different even though its not true. But it does at times feel like, however irrational, that a balance must be struck and for this renewed hope and getting out and feeling generally more on top of thing there is a price to be paid. Some not so good things have happened recently. Some worrying, some more explainable but always left in doubt. And it does feel like these are sent to hold us back just as we are making a little big of headway. For every small step forward there is a pair of hands trying to push us back a couple of steps.

These things though I think have always existed to some degree and possibly I am not seeing beyond my own situation and these are things that affect everyone. Sometimes I feel I need to give myself a slap to stop that kind of wallowing because the reality is not quite so bleak. I have doubt but as I have illustrated above people have real concerns. Doubts pale in comparison to what a lot of people have to contend with in life and that is when I must give myself a shake. Life does not run smoothly and the road is more bumpy the older you get. It stands to reason. So actually I should be thinking myself very lucky indeed. Lucky that as far as I know I have my health and for the first time since I became agoraphobic I have hope that I can make my way back into the world again.

I did though just want to say its not all plain sailing just in case I was giving the impression it was. On writing this blog its walking a tightrope really between the darkness and the light and trying to be true without being seeped or exposed too much in one or the other. Life though is what it is and we all have our problems to carry and we all just hope beyond hope that we come out the other side OK. No one is any different in that regard. In that we are all very much the same except the degrees of problems we have.