For the immediate future there is no peace to be found, that is my conclusion. So I can either stress about it or accept it. Whatever I do its not going to change so I'm laying down my arms. I can't remember if there was a time when I was truly at peace. Maybe that in itself is an illusion that keeps me fretting, a perversity in my nature. Continually I am chasing rainbows which is futile and tiring. But that is not to say I am giving up. On the contrary I am still going to keep pushing forward but while I do I also have to develop a different mindset to my current habitually negativity mind machine. I have to carve in stone the understanding that this dark place I live is in a large part my own creation.
Over the course of however long I have struggled with the reverberations of my nerves being rapidly twanged like the strings on a Flamenco guitar and I have built alternative realities. Scenarios have been created which are false. Situations have arisen which cause fear when in fact they are all part of the bigger whole. Contemplating this week I have realised just how ridiculous this is. For the best part of this week I am alone at home and that is a scenario which causes my anxiety to rise as I become restless in solitude. On Friday I will become the stressful father as my family return home and my wife goes for a night out leaving me with the children. Two scenarios which in my head are going to cause me to become anxious but both are of my own making. I am anxious anyway and these are just structures to run away from.
The truth is I am always anxious. There is no situation where I am calm and relaxed. This is what I have to come to terms with. This is what I have to make my understanding without clouding it with terrifying visions of the yet to happen. The only purpose served by creating fearful scenarios is the cementing of apprehension. Wherever I am on the inside I am the same and it is only the external which changes. It is my fear of that change which disrupts the inside as I buy into my own self made horrors. It makes me wonder that if I were blind would I be anxious? If not then surely I must be the one perpetuating this myth of an attack.
I am an anxious person from waking until sleep. This is who I am. That is the truth I must learn to live with and stop myself falling into the trap that it is a variety of different situations I am forced into that is making me this way. Possibly only then will I find the peace I was searching for and also discover that it is not what I was seeking at all but something very different that only transpires through that much used word 'acceptance'. While my thoughts whizz like a humming top through every moment of consciousness it is difficult to hold on to those moments of clarity so I must keep reminding myself of it until it becomes habitual and the walls of this judgemental prison that have kept me imprisoned for so long are eroded.
