Thirteen

Recovery from anxiety is a strange thing as its a lot like anxiety disorder itself- counterintuitive in a way. Anixety is a reaction to perfectly normal bodily sensatons but we react because they happen when we feel they shouldn't. If we could 100% understand the sensations we experience were perfectly normal then we would see it was counterintuitive to try to stop them and react to them with fear or any other emotion.

I've mentioned that process many times on this blog over the years without actually understanding it truely and to completely understand it is to recover without fear of ever relapsing. Although I am not at that complete understanding I do have such a degree of understanding that I feel I am really close to understanding that fully. In the early days after many fails with various sources I relied on Dr Claire Weekes' books to get me through because of all things they made they most sense. She preached that recover came not with stopping panic attacks but with not caring whether they came. Latterly with the online CBT course which has benefited me so much the mantra has been similar and indeed Dr Weekes is referenced.

The point where things maybe clicked was being told: its not what you do but what you don't do. In essence its about not reacting. What we do causes the panic (reaction) but if we did noting then we would not panic (no reaction). I mean I sort of got it and even posted as much 3 years ago but sort of on a surface level rather than deep down. It needs to be fully understood to progress. With anxiety and panic we need to allow it and do nothing and if we can it will pass and over time we lose any fear of it because we see it pass. I think it clicked though with this CBT. The example there made so much sense. A little puddle of water. Adrenaline is the stick that swirls and churns it. How do we make the water settle? Do we stir the other way? No. We do nothing. In time with no interference it peters out and settles. This is anxiety in a nutshell. This is how it works.This is how it is overcome but knowing that is only a fraction of the solution, a few steps on the road to recovery.

Anyway, where am I going with this? I've had a period of near normality and so much so that I have questioned very little and not regarding things as blog worthy that in the past would have made 3 or 4 big blog posts. Its a good thing. The more that life is deemed normal the less is taken by anxiety. At the begining of the week for example we had to take the car to the garage as the exhaust was rattling. Usually we take the car out to a place and walk back but this time we decided it needed a proper look and as it turned out peace of mind cost £235 more than usual. But it was needed. Anyway it entailed driving to a proper exhaust place and sitting in while they looked at it and got a quote and we agreed and were off. A place I couldn't go a few years ago. I never thought anything of it and we then walked to a bank where I withdrew the money we needed and finally got the train home. It was only after that walking home that I realised the train was supposed to be a big thing and something I had been planning to do again but done without thinking. Most likely this was because it was taking me hope and would have been different if it was taking me away from home but a plus nontheless.

It comes after a period of things like this. From Thursday to Saturday I dined out 3 times. Up to that point I had dined out once in a decade. It started on Thursday at a new place in town. It was my daughter's 13th birthday and we treated her to a family birthday meal. It was over a mile away so it if got too tough I could walk without expecting everyone to have to pack up and leave which is something I really do not want so with the pressure of that off it helped. But still I expected a lot of anxiety and instead got very little. It was a lovely place and the staff were great but unfortunately the food was poor and I could then understand why from being packed every night when it opened it was now relatively empty. The following night my inlaws were through and staying at Strathclyde Park so we visited them, went for a walk and had a meal in there. The surroundings were poor in comparison but he food was top notch. For the second night in a row I ordered an all day breakfast and this was phenomenal.

This place needs a special mention. The Complex is named M&Ds and is situated at Strathclyde loch which is manmade when they flooded the old village of Bothwellhaugh many moons ago. It deserves more time as this visit was more than a meal for a couple of reasons. I go back 18 years to when I first met my wife. She stayed in these parts and I stayed 60 miles away. I met her and then she was gone but her sister stayed around the corner- I didn't know her though. At a party one night I met her sister and the following day for whatever reason I went with her and her friends to M&Ds the next day by car to meet her sister. It was awkward but to cut a long story short things moved on from there. So it has relevance and as I walked about the complex things started coming back from the arcades and the rides outside. And also it was one of the last places I visited before I became agoraphobic. I went there with my wife and two girls to meet my sister and I remember it well. By that time the anxiety was really biting at me but I had no idea what it was. I remember pushing a pram and just wanting to leave. The push of the pram from the car park inside was abouta fifth of a mile at most and I was breathless, shattered and on the point of collapse. It was just a horrible experience but I got through it as I always did until the big panic attack later that year in 2006. We went to Amazonia that time. It was closed this time but we will go to it again. It is now not a problem.

After eating my wife and her mum took the kids to the arcade while me and my father-in-law went to the hotel bar to watch the opening of Euro 2016. Again that's a first. I did not feel I needed to go. This is the same place I felt trapped 2 years ago. Not this time. This time I was relaxed and in no rush to get home. In all honesty later if we had not needed to get the kids home I would have like to have a walk around the loch. That is something I plan to do in the coming weeks. I think its 4 miles in total so i think would be a good walk for us all.

Saturday the inlaws had decided to take the oldest for a birthday meal so it was 3 meals in a row. But it was a Saturday and unplanned. Many places were mentioned. My preference was one of the Italians in Bothwell as I have walked past them so many times and wished to me inside when I see the people inside the big glass fronts never believing it possible. Now it is. But they were booked out. In the end we were went to Frankie and Benny's. Lovely but overly expensive. Never again.

In some long winded way what I am trying to say is that I have noticed a change in my actions, my thinking and as a consequence my life. I continue to do long walks but no longer feel the need to record them. The CBT which has helped me so much I feel is no longer required so I no longer do it. In life I am thinking a lot less about every situation and that is getting closer to "normality". And when the panic comes I am more willing to accept it and let it be and as such it comes less frequent- sometimes not at all. I am closer not to being anxiety free but being care free of anxiety. Going right back to those early books written by Dr Weekes in the 60s and 70s the message was the same then as it is today. Finally I seem to be understanding it and life from a decade of statis is starting to wake for me.