2015 without doubt was a massive year for me. I look back prior to then and see I was bobbing about lost at sea for a very long time. In real time the best part of a decade lost but more than that hope with it because over 10 years of feeling trapped tends to smother any positive feelings and writes them off as disillusion. As anyone will know in the same position, a similar postion or- as is the case for so many- a worst position it is very hard to hold on to hope when nothing seems to change because nothing seems to work. No matter how positive your personality its hard to stay in that frame of mind when time passes. Time lost cannot be regained but time can be lost in many different ways depending on your point of view. Anyway the thing is I see I was definitely losing hope. In 2013 there was the slightest of improvements and in 2014 better again but nothing to shout about. The highlight was taking the kids to school but still so much to do. 2015 changed everything. Finally after 9 years of hopes dashed there was light at the end of the tunnel. Finally things I never thought possible I was doing and places I never thought I would ever see again I was standing in.
I wrote a post last year about going to Perth for the first time in nearly a decade and it was an important thing for me as I had stayed there for a long time, its where I met my wife and its where inlaws stay. I was looking through that post again not by chance but because I had searched on a key word. At the end of the paragraph I said it had opened a new door and the possibilities were endless. And as examples I said staying overnight in a travel inn or a short break to Loch Lomond again- where we went for our first and last family holiday. Within a month of doing that I had indeed stayed overnight at a travel inn but also returned to places my wife and I had gone before the kids came along as well as finally travelled by train. Loch Lomond though would have to wait. In truth its been on my mind but I have been thinking of ways to build up to it. Now though it is done.
Its been quite a staggering period since Friday to be honest in comparison to how things used to be. I won't go into detail as that would would serve no purpose. On Friday my wife and I went around the shopping centre in Hamilton looking for something for our oldest girl's birthday as she turns 13 this week but without success. I have done it before but only once. Then at night she was helping out at the school's summer fayre and although I have been before I have never gone on my own taking the kids along. Doesn't sound like much but having to stay someplace for two hours gives me that trapped feeling as I knew I could not leave before the raffles were drawn at the end or the kids would have lynched me. I did it thought and was even putting away chairs and tables at the end on my own to help clear up.
My brother had very kindly offered to take the kids for a day out on Saturday. The only downside was we needed to go through and stay relatively near for the duration which turned out to be around 4 hours or maybe more. The youngest two were taken to indoor crazy golf by my brother while the oldest went shopping wither her older cousin. A large shopping centre is not a place I like to find myself and the last time I was in one I had a bad panic attack. This was a little surreal though. It had to be walked through to get to where they were going so I started to walk through talking to my brother. This is where I was brought up. From the outside the shopping centre I walked around when I was younger was unrecognisable. But inside this part was scarily familiar. It had not changed. I actually cannot remember the last time I was in there but it would be at least 20 years ago and probably more. When I was not working I had to sign on there and the job centre strangely was in the same place. The shops were all different but the layout was the same and it all came back. That said I still felt claustraphobic and so got out quick smart after making it half way through. That said I did not flee straight out. I was determined to stay and so explored. Even when we left to go for a walk along the river almond I was determined that when we returned I would go back in and stay until I felt fine. And I did. While my brother took the kids for a Pizza Hut we wondered from shop to shop and the anxiety way gone. We stayed the duration. It certainly helped that this shopping centre had exits all over the place so I was never far from one and I was comfortable with the layout. The kids had a cracking time and I am sure we will do it again.
That was though a long day and a lot of driving for my wife so I was surprised on the Sunday when suggested another drive. Happy too as it was a scorcher and I did fancy us all sitting in all day when it was so beautiful outside. As always she did not say where. Trouble is though everyone was out to go somewhere and as soon as we were out out car park we were in traffic. Its just the way of it though. It took some time for me to realise where we were going but once I did it was a mix of emotions- fear and excitement. Fear because I knew it would be busy and excitement because we were returning to the place of our first and last family holiday in 2006- loch lomond. Just a day trip this time but enough. As I expected it was busy but it was also lovely. I have to be honest and say I was never completely calm. Never as calm as at the sea despite the large expanse of water ahead of me. When we had first been here it was November and freezing and no one around. This was very different but strangely some things started to come back to me.
Long term but not for some time yet I would like to go back there again for a short stay in log cabins like we did before because I loved that. I might even prefer it in winter. Before that though we have something else planned which I won't talk about now but hopefully if it transpires it will be something I can post about by the end of the month. Things for now are moving along nicely. Its like a decade stuck in traffic but finally things are moving and I soon hope to be on the open road again.
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