As good as things have been going I don't want to give the impression that I am anxiety free or even a short hop from recovery. I am greatly improved but still there is a lot of work to do. At some point I am going to have to get on a train again and that will be like starting over it has been so long. Last night we went to the Kelpies again and as we walked by the canal my wife was saying how she would love for us all to do the boat trip from there to the Falkirk wheel. My first emotion was excitement but it was quickly followed by dread. In my head I first saw the leisurely glide along the Union canal but that was quickly followed by thoughts of panic and not being able to get off the boat. Trapped. I still feel trapped. Its what is stopping me getting on a train and what would stop me doing that trip. Its something I am going to have to tackle because if I can overcome that I will be recovered I think. There have been a few incidents of late. My son had a soft play area to go to and so we took him there and I felt trapped to the point everything was spinning and I had to get out quickly. It was claustrophobic. It was a massive building and then you go into the soft play area which is secure so you have to wait for someone to open the gate and then they lock it behind you. Then you are in this area filled with people and full of noise. I could not handle it. I had to leave.
So this is the final part and its really tough to be honest because the only way to face it is to be in it and to be in it means I have to feel trapped in a situation I cannot escape. The internal drama queen imagines being buried alive. Its that kind of desperation to escape in plain sight so to speak. As much as I want to get better I am very reluctant to put myself into these situations. Its like all phobias in that anyone with them does not want to face them even though they know only by facing can they go through them.
Of late though with more drives and more roadworks I have found myself in these situations. The good thing is I have come through them but the bad thing is I have not come through them with anxiety dropped. The other week it was on the M8 just outside Glasgow when the we took a sliproad to the motorway to find lots of stationary cars and nowhwere to go but into it. The last time was on Friday when we were out for another drive towards Edinburgh and my wife decided it would be nice to drive over the Forth Road Bridge. Great idea but unfortunately not on a Friday when the traffic over the bridge is ridiculous given people are usually travelling home for the weekend or going somewhere for the weekend. And so we found ourselves in three lanes of parked cars with the bridge 3 miles away and barely visible. Again I got through it but in that moment I felt I could not breathe, was sweating, shaking and generally in panic. It was a great relief to get moving again.
That was the hardest part of an otherwise great night. We went over the Forth road bridge and saw the new bridge being built which is coming along nicely. My youngest daughter didn't like it though and we found out there that she has a real fear of bridges over water. And after that I asked my wife if she would mind driving into South Queensferry which is a beautiful old little place. Again I'd been there lots of times in the past but again when there it all felt a bit foreign. Thankfully it was not too busy so we were able to get parked and get out. Not as calming as the see but just a lovely view in a lovely little place. A great way to spend some time.
Then on Saturday the sea was calling again. Suited me fine. This time it was Troon so we passed the old golf course and entered the town and then went down to the beach. Once again in a very short space of time zero anxiety. We had a long walk alone the front. We got chips and then hot dogs. It was all unplanned. We were in no rush and even close to two hours I found myself alone walking next to the sea as the tide was coming in talking to my sister on the phone oblivious to how far I had walked. My wife had sent the girls to get me as she could not phone me but I finally noticed myself and turned back. Once more I was in no rush to leave. I could have stayed longer but it was getting late for the kids. That part of the country has a coastal path when I am sure we will be returning too. With Ayr and Troon ticked I know at the very least my wife want to go to Girvan but I am sure there will be more than that to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment