The last week of the school holidays has been a bit of a non-event to be honest. Its preparation for the return next week. As such there have been no big days out as such but more trips on the train. Are they getting easier? They should be. If you do it right they should go fine like they have been doing but me being me I always have to push too far too quickly and end up regretting it.
I was at Rutherglen train station on Monday. The train rides I have been doing so far have been East into Hamilton. To the West is Glasgow 10 miles away. Its a place I hope some day to go to again by train. I used to do it all the time but its now over 10 years since the last time and getting there is a long way off. So why I did what I did is beyond me. To go by train is 3 stops- Newton, Cambuslang, Rutherglen and then Argyle Street in Glasgow. Graduated exposure. My plan this week had been do Newton twice. Build it slowly. That was the plan. That was the wise move. That would not be easy. The Hamilton route I could walk back from if required. Newton I could not. So I went into the train station and bought a return ticket- for Rutherglen.
The plan in my head concocted as I was waiting to buy my tickets was that if I bought the tickets for Rutherglen then I could at least get off at any stop before and go home. But it was still the wrong thing to do. It all went wrong. I got on the train and it was only when I got on that I realised how busy it was. It was only later when I got off that I realised there had only been two carriages- there are usually at least 3 times as many. So I felt claustraphobic wedged between a guy and a window and guy facing me. Just really uncomfortable and decided it was a big mistake so I would get off at Newton and come home.
I don't know how much longer it was but I was pacing up and down Rutherglen train station just a stop from Glasgow. I was pacing because I was in full blown panic. In my my head the return train would be sitting there waiting for me to return. Not only was it not but the next train arriving 10 mins later did not even take me home. That cranked panic up another notch. My own fault. I had drowned in it all. I had come unprepared and taken on too much too soon. I walked through the station and up stairs and started walking through a tunnel when I realised there were different platforms and I might forget which one was mine and get stuck and god it was all just going wrong. Bugger it. I walked away anyway out the train station and wandered about for a bit. Then I went back and decided I was going to wait until the panic subsided. I did. Not as long as I should have because it had not dropped enough but my train arrived and I got on it happy just to be heading home.
In hindsight it was stupidity of course. I was angry with myself. So angry that when I got off the train I went on a big walk to burn off the adrenaline going in a loop which brought me back to the station. Once there I got on the train again. This time to Newton. That was all fine. I got there. Hung a bout a bit on both platforms and came home. That is what I should have done but I think by doing that I will be OK anyway. I am not quite sure if the same tickets covered me but i assume they do as they are day returns. If so that could bode well for me as I need repetition but cannot afford lots of train journeys.
On Tuesday my wife and the girls went into East Kilbride to the shopping centre for last minute school shopping. For all I am progressing that is one I did not want to do. Its too big and a place I had a bad panic attack before. I need to return one day but Tuesday was not the day. So with the girls away I took the boy on the train into the centre of Hamilton. It wasted an hour or so. His only interest is his Nintendo so a trip to "Game" was like Christmas to him as we have nothing like that where we live. He had money too so all the better to buy something with.
Then today we all went into Hamilton to get the very last things for school. Again it was the train and lie Tuesday there were no problems. The graduated exposure is working. As soon as the kids are back to school I will be doing it the other way in the hope of getting to Glasgow before the end of the year. It actually feels like it could happen and that would be something. We had lunch there too in Sainsburys. It was good. I think we are all ready now. The kids are ready for their new term and I am ready to start taking on new challenges over these next few months in the hope I will be ever closer to where I want to be by the end of the year.
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