Oh yes, indeed, lets go the hell shopping. As if standing in full blown panic at Rutherglen train station unable to think straight was not enough for one week I decided to just fall backwards and hope someone caught me before I hit the ground. Panic disorder though is the third option I forgot about about. No one catches you and you just keep falling.
I can't actually remember the last time, some what to my credit, that I said the words to my wife: I need to go. I have in these past months done everything in my power not to say them and had succeeded in doing so despite how bad I was feeling inside. This though was something else. This was like spining around and around and around at top speed and just wanting off. I tried to hold the words back but fear and desperation got the better of me and I said them. I felt guilt as soon as I said it and instantly retracted them and then said them again and then sat down. I sat on a bench. It all went strange. Panic had hit the roof and nothing was bringing it down. I looked up and all I could see were levels of concrete and people and panic just went crazy.
I had done it again. From saying midweek it was too soon and so taking the boy on the train I today decided it was all OK and would be a breeze. But very quickly it was not. As soon as we entered the multi-story car park I started to feel anxious and even then realised I had made another stupid mistake. But pride stopped me getting out then. Instead I braved it. It would be OK. I am doing so much better now and so I don't need to run. Wrong.
There was a time we regard as normality. Its a time basically where "we did" without having to think about it. We went shopping, we went a walk, we went on holiday and everything we did was restricted by the things out of our hands like cost, transport, free time and all the rest. The difference is now we have to think about it. But that is OK. What I have learnt of late that we start having to think but when we have done it a few times we no longer have to think and we are back to where we were. It needs time. It needs small progressive steps. Its like a tug of war where we have been pulled 10 foot over the line but now we are taking an inch back at a time and in time we will get back there if we keep at it. So the point is that planning and small steps and repetition have worked for me but at times I get ahead of myself like here. Planning. It was Sunday and the schools were going back the next day so it was ultra busy. The wrong time. Weather was great. People were out. Wrong time.
I was then on a bench. I was sitting and then tried to gather myself only to realise with far too many people around me I was alone. I had to find my family. Where were they? My wife had two shops. Things were coming back. My wife was annoyed. If I could sit it out she would be as quick as she could returning stuff. Huge. That is all I could think. My memory of the place was that it was nowhere near that size. This was huge and as we walked we seemed to just keep walking and walking and going further underground. But then I was alone. Two shops. BHS. Somewhere else. Panic was so bad I was shaking and I could not think straight so did not even attempt to phone. I found BHS and then scouted and could not find them. Out the shop. Shit! Back to the car? I can't go further in. Where are they? I need to go- NOW!!!
Marks and Spencers. In there and about. No sign. Turns out I remembered correctly but there was an upstairs. Thankfully managed to calm enough to get that info. And then the panic dropped. Like that. It went and I was OK. We did what we needed to do and then headed back to the car.
I had promised to take my youngest daughter to "Game". I forgot that bit. True to my word then we would head back. I located it on the map and saw it was near the ice rink. That brought back memories. The ice rink I had seen many times as that is where we used to enter years ago. It was also across from the cinema where my wife and I had been a few times. So we headed back. It went on and on and from zero anxiety the levels crept up again. Where the bloody hell was it? And it seemed to be going uphill.
We made it and we also had time to sit for a bit at the ice rink. But I have to be honest and say I was glad when we were on our way. Out of the shops and into the car park and out of that into the outside world and finally exhale. I will go back but with more preparation At time I got glimpses of the stupidity in my thinking. Thousands of people I would say and all not bothered because there is nothing to be bothered about. Its about not making that issue in the first place rather than dealing with the issue. There is no issue except the one born from anxious thought and its not real. A tiny bit of bravery and a lot of reptition allow us to see the llie for what it is. That is why its important to prepare and go wise. Something I am still learning apparently.
2 comments:
Phew. I felt every bit of that panic with you. It's not easy, is it? But you are doing it! You are bound to have lapses, but you are coping and seeing for yourself that you can get through the panic and out the other side. Compared to how you were, you have made huge progress. Shopping to me, like the other people in your shopping mall, is no problem, but my panic levels rise when someone mentions we go out for a meal or take a holiday, as they have always been central to my phobia. I now do both and for the most part I cope, but now and again, once in a blue moon, it can catch me unawares and I have to grapple with my panic. When you have no choice but to face it, such as when you were on your own and having to find the rest of the family, you miraculously find the strength to cope.
Thanks Addy,
The fatigue from doing all these things is the main problem and probably mentally more than physically as I find it harder to get my head clear in these positions when my brain is tired. As you say though when you have to do it you do it and its never as bad as the anticipation would have you believe. I am finding with a lot of things that they are hard the first time (as expected) but with repetition start to get easier to the point, like you said, I don't need to think about them.
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