This is Christmas

Its been raining all day long. Doesn't feel like Christmas eve to me. Were it white outside it may be different but its not. That might even give me some incentive to shift my lazy arse out the door which I have not done since Friday but its not. Its just been a cold, dark, wet windy day. Dismal.

The kids haven't watched much TV. I remember back to my childhood and the excitement when my mum brought home the Radio and TV times two weeks before Christmas. I scanned through the lists to see what great things lay in store, mostly films. Even into my twenties I still looked forward to Christmas specials. Comdies. Lots of them. Great stuff. Now I don't bother. The kids don't bother. There is little special about the TV at Christmas. They get TV on demand any time they want it. Not just on TV but via a host of different sources.

So instead the boy sitting engrossed in his sister's 3DS all day long. The youngest girl was playing games on the laptop. The oldest was writing a play to perform tomorrow for her grandparents. Not just writing the play but getting props ready and later pulling her youngest sister reluctantly away from the PC for a rehearsal. Not the kind of Christmas I remember but things change. Not much sign of my wife. She spent most of the day, like the last few, wrapping presents in the bedroom.

So many presents. A bit of a sore point. We had got the kids all their Christmas things and then two bits of fortune fell into my wife's hands. Firstly her sister gave her a bung of cash to help over Christmas and secondly she took old jewellery to one of these gold places and got the same again almost. So a lot of cash and with our kids already covered I had hoped we could put at least half of that money away for the inevitable shortfalls next month. A day later she had 20% of it left and asked me to put it somewhere safe- I think worried that she would spend that too. And that is probably the reason why she has had to lock herself away for so long. More presents for the kids, presents for relatives and now presents for friends. Oh yes. Turns out she is one of 4 mothers who are all buying presents for the others' kids. That is 8 additional presents. In my day also teachers never got presents. Now they get them by the bucket load. 3 additional presents to buy for. And then there are a couple of birthdays that fall around about Christmas. No wonder so many people get into debt at this time of year.

As I said I have not been out much of late. I have been winding down. No reason to go out so harder to push myself out so instead hopefully preserving some energy for the new year push. At this time of year we have more visitors too. It was my wife's friend last night and my parents tonight. For the first time in a long time I struggled with panic during their visit. I thought I was over that. It caught me out the blue and really struggled to keep a lid on it. Its a reminder that I have to get back to working on my anxiety which I have not done for well over a month- maybe two. This is the endless loop. I work at it and get some relief and then because I am not experiencing full blown panic I stop working on it and before long its at me again. It needs a sustained effort, something I must be looking to do in 2013.

But in doesn't feel much like Christmas to me. I have talked a lot this year about flashbacks and of late they have come more intensely than usual. While the family were at church I wrapped my wife's presents and was taken back a few years to living up North on my own when we were first going out. I used to go out on Christmas eve into the mob and buy every present on that day. Queues and bustle and much angst for all but I didn't mind doing it that way- wasn't that long ago. Visited clear today. What I am missing. And spending the night wrapping presents with a glass of something and some music in the background. I used to always "go home" for Christmas to my parents. Then when things got serious I used to alternate between my parents and my wife's parents. All these thoughts come tumbling in.

My wife has gotten out that routine hence why my parents were here tonight- to drop off presents for the kids. She goes solely to her parents up north for Christmas with the kids. Every year. So my parents never seen us. It is in fact either 6 or 7 years since I last went there for Christmas and the same with the inlaws. Today for the first time I missed it. I actually wished I was going up north too or even going to my parents. Just somewhere other than here. Somewhere familiar that isn't here. Sick of looking at this place. Tomorrow afternoon they will all leave full of Christmas cheer and have a big Christmas dinner up north while I sit here alone for the rest of the week in an empty flat. Its something I have to admit I have usually looked forward too as there is no stress but this year I just miss being out of things. This is Christmas, not a choice I am afraid.

If things do happen for a reason then maybe I didn't appreciate things as much. Well in fact I know that is the case. And now, when I do get better, I will appreciate things. I will appreciate seeing those friends I only now see on Facebook. See family I only see very infrequently in the same place. Will appreciate going somewhere- by the sea maybe.

I know I have to do more. As they say: do what you always do and you will get what you always get. I need to work more and work harder and also be braver if I am honest. At the end of any year its not unusual to feel in a reflective mood and as I see past times come back clearer jumping avoid the empty void of the past recent years it is in my nature to feel down about it. But that is not the message they are sending me. What is in the past stays in the past. It happened, its done. Sure we can look back on that but we cannot recapture it. And the same goes for the void, the empty days all strung together into a vacuum of no memories. It is gone too. Nothing is lost, it never was there to lose. Ahead lies futures yet to be build and that is where not only hope lies but drive too. Inspired to move the arse out the door. Compelled to face the demons. The strength to tackle what lies beyond the void. The confidence that it can be done. And the renewed hope that better days lie ahead. A sense of achievement to be gained. A quality yet to be tasted and savoured. A rite of passage.

In these days ahead plenty of time for contemplation. This I think is the reason for the flashbacks. Contemplation of the days that lie ahead, the pages yet to be written. A time to plan. No more missing Christmas and birthdays and the like. No more. Better days lie ahead. It is up to me whether I want to keep sitting here staring out the window at them or go out and grab them.