Walking on impulse

I started a walking diary with the intention of getting to my goal- my daughter's nursery. 9 months on I've still not got there yet. It is still my intention. My stomach problems that had me on the sofa for over a week derailed my plans a good deal but I have started over and I'm not back at square one again as I thought I would be. Tonight for example I went to the Supermarket and bought myself a magazine. Something I couldn't do last year.
But today I have had a long think about these walks and decided I need to change things. I will still be doing the walks and recording them but not trying to reach targets. The reason for removing the goals is I have come to learn they are counterproductive. But I still want to keep a record which I will do to ensure I am still making progress or at least maintaining them. But that really has not place on a blog and would be of no interest to anyone anyway.

The reason for removing the goals came to me tonight in buying a magazine. I set out tonight with the intention of walking half the distance that I actually managed because I have been so inactive of late. Physically I find it hard enough. But I am so happy I managed more. What I realised though was that if I set out to get a magazine I probably would not have managed it. This is a process which I recognise from experience.

The first few times I managed to go to the shops it was done on impulse. I was out for a walk, passed the shops and suddenly felt the urge to go in. Some time later my wife asked me to get her something from the shops and I agreed but didn't feel comfortable with it. When I got halfway around I got into a panic and had to turn back. The reason for this was apprehension. When I have been set a goal I always have apprehension and this builds as I near my target.

My walks have been based on goals and I think now on hindsight they have been counter productive. It also works another way. If I reach a goal I race to it and when I reach it I race home again. What would be better would be to go out the door with no intention other than to walk for as long as I am comfortable and return when I feel the need. In this way I won't have the apprehension to keep me back. This in itself is a type of exposure in which I am just making the situation a little more comfortable but I fully believe this is the way forward for me. I will record my walks and some time down the line compare them to my previous walks to see if there is any difference but more importantly if I have made any progress.

Ultimately where I go is not of relevance because my anxiety is not brought on by places. It is brought on by apprehension and the fear of being too far away. The longer I am out the better it will be for me and when I start to feel comfortable being out for longer spells then I can start to do preplanned things and the apprehension should not be as bad.

That is the theory any way. Walk with no destination and act on impulse. Some of my best achievements, maybe all, have been done on impulse with little anxiety.