Glasgow

In 2013 I set out to travel by train again. It was a long journey. Before I could even think about getting on a train I had to manage to get to the train station and at the time barely get halfway before having to return home. When I started I had very little confidence on ever getting on a train again. In  2013 I set out steps which got me as far as being at the train station but at the time I felt too much fear to get on a train so effectively gave up. Maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself. Last year I finally got on a train and done the shortest journey possible. After that I did manage a little longer but not much.

Over the following months I did some more journeys but they were never easy and led to me stopping yet again. A year ago I posted about some journeys I did and that was about that. The furthest I got was Rutherglen but it was filled with panic and really put me off doing it again. In the past year I've had a couple of short train journeys but nothing of note. This week I decided I had to get on it again and try to get to Glasgow- long term. I did not plan on going to Glasgow this week but it turned out that way. In fact I went there twice.

I build these things up in my head. My wife and I headed off around 10:00 on Wednesday to get on the train. The plan was to go to Rutherglen. The route is Newton-Cambuslang-Rutherglen-Dalmarnock-Bridgeton-Glasgow Argyle Street-Glasgow Central. When we got to the station I decided it might be worth just getting tickets for Glasgow. No harm. So we did but I was determined to get off at Rutherglen and given how much panic I had there last time even that was something I was not looking forward to.

The train was busier than I hoped. That got me started. It was stupid. I had spent hours in the car far from home on the day we went to Oban. Rutherglen is less than 10 miles away. But the panic just kept going. When we got to Rutherglen I was determined to get off. I felt it was too much to handle. I was shaking visibly and was sure I was going to be sick. I was trying to work out where to be sick. I was so sure I would be. It was better to get off and then if it happened it happened. But something stopped me. Something said something that people have been telling me for years: so what? So what if I am sick? So what if I am shaking? So what? I asked my wife how long until Glasgow. 7 minutes, she said. Its nothing really. I stayed on. And did anything bad happen? No. I got to Glasgow Central and my wife said if I needed to we could go straight back. I lingered. It took a long time. Walking through Glasgow remembering all the places I used to go I suddenly felt OK. I looked at time and it was 11:48. I then remembered the train had arrived at 10:18. 90 minutes exactly. That is how long it had taken to calm but calm it did.

The journey back was fine. We stayed in Glasgow long enough to pick up the kids from school on the way back. No anxiety. My wife had also bought a Halloween costume for the boy which turned out to be too small so yesterday we went back through to Glasgow again. No anxiety at all. This time we went on a very long walk by the Clyde taking in all the large buildings of different shapes and sizes. Again it was a lovely day. I feel now I have turned a corner with regards to train travel. The first 20-30 minutes is the worst part of anxiety. This journey covered that. A journey of longer should in theory be too long to end in panic and so not leave fear attached to the memory. That opens up all sorts of possibilities as it would be good to travel some places where my wife doesn't have to do the driving. It also means if there is ever anything wrong with the car or we don't have one then we are not tied to the home.

We were walking along the Clyde when a thought came to me. Its a while since I have looked at any of the genealogy I used to do. The oldest ancestor I could find lived at the quay on the Clyde and worked as Chief Engineer on Paddle Steamers which went back and forth between Glasgow and Liverpool. And it was in the Clyde he died after wash from another incoming steamer moved the plank he was boarding and put him in the water. I looked into the water wandering just where that might have happened. Then I thought back to how years ago I wanted to visit the places they lived. Their main address was Carrick Street. I got out Google Maps on my phone and to my astonishment it was right behind me. What are the chances? There are no buildings in that small street now but weird all the same. And as I walked up the Clyde with my wife I started to wonder if things happen for a reason. We passed the STV buildings, the BBC buildings, the Armadillo, SECC and the Hydro among other things. Then over the water was the Science Centre and berthed in front of it was a paddle steamer- The Waverley. As I said in my last post its my wish to get on that old steamer again at some point so maybe it is a sign.