Holding on

I'm back doing my CBT after countless interuptions in the hope of recovering from panic disorder with agoraphobia. God that felt like the opening line at a meeting for adrenaline addiction. I hate labels. I am who I am- a bit broken and a whole lot wonky. With my text book screwdrivers I am taking my brain apart and trying to put everything back the right way to be "normal"- like you. This once again is the start of the process.

The good thing about this particular CBT course is that it always gives food for thought. It seems to always spark off little process in my mind. Socratic questions so to speak. The 24 hour detective in my head takes great delight in taking the theory and trying to match it up with my experiences over recent years and work towards some sort of verdict. Or is it the problem solver looking for a solution? Probably the latter actually. Whoever it is seems to keep poking me with new ideas anyway every time I do the CBT. This week I am back at the start learning all about panic and how it works. Shall I bore you with that? No, I think that would be cruel.

A poke on the cheek watching videos on the process of the fight or flight response. Or should I say fight, flight or freeze response. This variation is particularly enlightening in my case. I will get to that. A particular question has stuck with me way back to the lead up to my first full blown panic attack which left me agoraphobic from that point on: why when I feel like I am not getting enough air do I feel an involuntary response which is holding my breath and I cannot seem to break it? This goes back nearly a decade.

I remember sitting in the small room with the female GP and asking that very question. I remember asking the same question to at least two other GPs. Two situations stuck in my mind and prompted me to ask this. Whenever I did the shopping I would find myself getting out of breath on the walk there and by the time I got into the queue I felt I was not only getting no air but was actually holding my breath. The other situation was just coming in the front door and up the stairs. Most people who do come into the living room panting. That is how I felt I should be responding but again I seemed to be holding my breath. Stifling my breathing. Doctor: why do I stifle my breath when I should be panting for air? One look was mocking and the other two were dismissive. It was one of many times I asked questions to someone connected with the medical profession or mental health and got no response.

Sitting watching the videos the answer came. Fight, flight or FREEZE. Imagine there was a poisonous snake in front of you. You are not going to fight it and you are not going to run away. You are going to stand perfectly still. You will tense up rigidly in the hope of not moving. This all happens. And what else do you do? You hold your breath. This is what is happening. Its a fear response, not an abnormality.

In fact I should have noted it before. Involuntary holding of breath is actully nothing new. I have seen it in action here at home first hand. Whenever my wife watches anything like someone drowning or even a fish out of water she experiences the same thing. The only difference is it ends when the clip ends or she turns it over. I cannot turn it over. Is it dangerous? No. But it is scary which I experinence regularly first hand. The truth is out bodies are designed to protect us. When it comes to breathing it will allow us voluntary control to a point as long as we don't put ourselves in danger. Its quite brilliant. If for example we try to hold our breath too long it will force us to breath. If we are getting in the way of preventing normal breathing it can even make us pass out so it can regulate the breath undisturbed. When we sleep it keeps it going for us.

No danger at all, just scary. It is this difference that I am working to correct in my head at the moment. Easy to theorise about here with no problems. Not so much in the moment of panic.