1000 Miles

I walked down the street and turned the corner. A little smile to myself. Only I- oh, and you- know but its a landmark for me. 1000 miles walked in a year. Well 10 months actually. Its something to be proud of even if it was not 500 miles out and 500 back.

I was watching the American TV series "Under the dome". I can relate to that. One day out of the blue an invisible dome appears over a town and noone can get out- or in. Its very much like my world. I see my invisible boundaries which are dictated not by how far out I can go but how far I can go and get back. The latter is the most important part. With each step anxiety and fatigue build to a point where I have to judge whether I have enough energy and calm to make it back. Waiting is not an option in that state.

The walls of the dome though have in the past few years extended out so my world is a bigger place.  I can walk further and wait longer. For these things I must be happy. Its heading in the right direction. From this place which is still too limited its far too easy to forget that at one time the dome was around my home and then around my block and hope was too far off in the distance to touch. Its easy to forget just how hard it used to be and just how limited my life was. Time passes and things have improved and although I am still too far away from a normal life its moving int the right direction.

The thing is its been a linear path but I don't think the path to a full recovery will flow that way. Full recovery I think comes in a moment. It comes in a kind of enlightened moment when it all makes sense and everything clicks into place. The weeks and months of reading CBT and doing the exercises finally makes sense. The moment when all is clear and the fear subsides and over time after the habit dies without the fuel to feed to the fear. The ruse. It is a ruse. A ruse I cannot quite get my head around yet but I am getting there and until that day comes I will keep walking and walking and who knows maybe on one of those walks I will just keep going. Maybe on one of those walks the reverse of a decade ago will happen and I will go out the door an agoraphobic and come home back to my old self again.