A lack of posting can only mean one thing: nothing to blog about. Such is life. Its like I am walking this long road too fatigued to go on but knowing I have come far too far to turn back. I keep waiting for the horizon to appear and a distant kingdom to gleam. I keep hoping I am getting closer but really the scene never changes and I just get more and more tired. And the time passes. It passes too quickly. There are my kids suddenly grown and still being dragged along this aimless path with me. I promised them a garden. Just a few miles more.
Alas I look in my bag of things to say and all I see are agitated moans and worries and general negativity so I'll spare any readers a torrent of those dark things and get myself a new bag. I'm finding myself drawn ever more to woodland and water and to places generally out of the way of the concrete hellhole I live in well aware that my actions mean my kids have been brought up in a place I do not want them to live in. I am an escapist. I push, I do, but pushing doesn't seem to work. Pushing doesn't help standing in a queue with all the fight or flight responses banging out full blast. Pushing won't save the day: its what you don't do rather than what you do that is key.
The summer has come but has mainly remained hidden from view behind the clouds. I want to take the kids out in it regardless. Take them even just for a walk, an adventure. Or just a run around in the park.
A game of footy. The youngest two had such a good time running about while my wife and oldest were away to Glasgow shopping. We had walked them down to the train station and later went to meet them there. In between on the way back a little kick about. The train. Still no nearer to getting on one. It just seems so overwhelming every time I think about it. Its a strange thing because I can sit for longer and further in the car. It makes no sense. I just have fear holding me back.
Its not actually the journey itself. Its the other side. Its the panic on the train and then having to deal with it at the other side while trying to find my way to the other platform. I know at the shortest stop for example you basically have to walk out of the train station and out on to the street going along and then entering the platform at the other side before waiting for another train. It has to be done but I just don't feel ready. I have come to the conclusion that first I have to practice working somewhere and sitting for as long as I can until the panic subsides. I know the day I do take a train I will sit for a long time with many trains coming and going before finally getting on. I need to feel the panic subside first I think. In fact that is probably the best solution- going to the train station and sitting for as long as I can.
Of course in theory that is fine. In practice a bit more difficult because of people. A few times now I have encountered problems with people. Never one on there own but two or more and in a few cases walking about with a bottle of buckfast. Loudmouth wannabe hardmen looking for someone on their own to goad. That sort of thing.
About a month ago I did sit down there for 10 minutes. Again two loud mouth louts were the only thing you could hear as they swigged their Buckie bottles while waiting for the Glasgow train. I stayed though for the train to arrive, pour them on and take them away. I sat a while longer hoping to wait for another when a group of 4-5 neds arrived on the other platform being equally loud and decided I really couldn't be bothered so left.
Maybe that is what has put me off it. I had a graduated exposure sheet all worked out and then decided I just could not get on the train so had to rip it up and have a rethink. And now another rethink. That is the way to go and that is what I must start doing again. I must get over the paranoia: people will think it strange me sitting here letting trains go past. So what? Before I moved my blog and lost all the comments there was one from a guy who said exactly that: stop caring what people think. The truth is they probably don't notice and if they do they certainly don't care. I read an interview with Gary Oldman today in which he said kids nowadays thing they are the centre of the universe. I know I am guilty of that and so must change. So what? That is the attitude.
The school holidays now have arrived and its usually an excuse to relax things but instead I need to push on. It means every second week I am stuck indoors with the kids. Well that is my usual mindset. The other way of looking at it is its a chance to take them out on my own down the park or somewhere near by. My oldest daughter goes to Italy on Saturday and I will miss her, as well as inevitable worry. In fact I think I won't be able to relax until she returns. I hope she enjoys it.
I guess that is enough musing for now. My posts have become structureless meanderings and I should really start to look at putting something more interesting together. Maybe the summer will bring that.
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