I've got a new camera, my 3rd new camera this year. Sounds a bit extravagant and it is. Much more than I would want. One would have done. At the expense of three I could have got the one I really wanted and still had some change. Spending money we don't have was not the plan but life got in the way. I need a camera. It helps get me out and helps get me mindful. Its a tool. The first was stolen and lost all at the same time when my wife took it to a night out. A few weeks ago she went to an open air concert with my replacement, in the rain, and it came back dead. Warranty? I think when I charged the battery and put in in the camera and turned it on and it made a sizzling sound the warranty was void about that point. Shame. I loved that little camera. So I had to get a new one and very pleased with it even if the photo above from it is poor. There have been some good ones since with it. Just by chance as I looked for a replacement on Amazon there it was in one of their lightening sales at less than 40% of the release price. That said it did come out a couple of years ago but still great value.
I've not had an opportunity of late to really go anywhere and take photos so earlier when my wife had to go over to the big fun park to drop off something for her parents I decided to tag along despite my fears. Tomorrow is my youngest girls communion. Her other siblings were taken tonight to a travel lodge by their grandparents which has become the routine since the last one. As well as them there is my wife's sister and her daughter and at a hotel just up the road one of her other sisters with her family. Going over there was going to fill me full of panic but I thought if I used the camera I could distract myself. The inlaws had forgotten to take the kids toiletry bag so my wife was taking it over in the car through one of the busiest roundabouts in Scotland. I ensured first it would not take long. Will it take long? No. Won't even have to get out the car. Drive there, someone waiting, drop off and back home. Sounded so simple. Even that though would cause panic because of where it was and the fact its a while since I have been out in the car. I decided to brave it.
It turned into a bit of a nightmare. There was noone there to meet us. We were parked outside the place and in a big window in front of us I saw my kids. They turned around and waved. My wife got out and disappeared. That was bad enough. I had already been fighting panic on the dual carriageway. I just wanted to get home. Did not even want to use the camera any more. Just hurry up. Finally my wife appeared after 10 minutes with a sorry which didn't help. And a message: I'm taking my sister to the restaurant at the other hotel, she will be out in a minute. A few minutes later my wife was back out the car and disappeared again. Finally she came back and said that journey was cancelled. Phew, can we go home now? No. She had to then go to the other hotel anyway to get something from her sister.
That was where the nightmare started. 'We pulled up, her sister was waiting and we all got out- god knows what I was thinking. They went in so I followed. There I was met by my wife's brother in law. He'd been sitting have a beer in the bar. It was good to see him as I have not seen him in a few years. He asked me if I wanted a drink. I looked into the bar which looked busy and then I looked around to see my wife had disappeared again. No. God I felt so bad. The part of me still fighting deep down inside wanted to say yes but the larger part said no. Adrenaline was pumping so much I was shaky and everything was getting bright and my breathing was getting shallow. I had to go, I had to walk. So I left feeling really guilty and annoyed at myself. So I walked. I walked for 20 minutes just trying to burn off adrenaline and block out the panic as best as I could. I walked down to the loch where I took the photo above and I walked to the theme park just for somewhere to go and I walked back to the hotel to find my wife still not there. I felt abandoned and trapped. It was not an experience I will want to repeat any time soon. Because I had been thrown in the deep end without notice I was not prepared.
Finally she appeared and finally we were gone. The first thing my wife said was: well done. It wasn't well done though. That is not the way to do it. I can totally understand why my wife thought it and said it and how many who have not experienced anxiety would think that too but there is not a lot of good in enduring something tormenting you just for the sake of it. It was summed up by the next thing she said: Its probably set you back a bit but you done really well. That is exactly it. It has set me back. All it has done is added more fear and apprehension the next time I get in the car to go somewhere.
But its done. If I can find any positive its that its given me a taste of what I am missing and where I would like to be. Just like tomorrow when I will be the only one absent from my daughter's communion when I would love to be there for her. I just want to get back to that normality of doing these kind of things and being able to take them in without being to busy fighting the fight or flight repsonse. A short stroll by the loch for example on a beautiful night should have been, for me enjoyable. Even the mingling among the many people there wondering about in the evening sun happy should have been enjoyable. It was thought just endurance and I was so glad just to be heading home.
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