On Monday night I decided to push myself, it happens sometimes. Usually to my detriment. This time? Probably. The last time was May when I knew what was coming to an extent and knew I would find it hard to cope but done it anyway. It comes from frustration always. The scenarios change in scene but the essence is always the same: putting myself into a situation I cannot escape from and having to try to ride it out.
It was such a nice night on Monday my wife decided to take the kids to a heritage park in the next town. I have posted about it before. The first time I struggled to walk any distance from the car and the second time I walked right around the loch and even went into the cafe. Drives afar have been so few and far of late that I had no intention of going with them but as they decided to leave I felt agitated at missing out yet again. Despite being extremely anxious I decided to go in the car with them. It was so far the hardest thing I have done. The next town is where it all started when I had a full blow panic attack many years ago. Even just getting there which months ago was not a problem was a struggle this time. Constant panic. Several times on the journey I wanted to ask to head back home and it was only the knowledge I would be spoiling it for the kids that kept my silence. When we arrived there it was full blown panic and I could not get out the car. Horrible position. Didn't want to get out the car and didn't want to stay and just wanted to go home but having to watch my family get out and walk off.
Panic literature will tell you adrenaline has a short life span. The peak of panic is roughly no more that 20 minutes. There can though be many peaks for sure. In my case there were many peaks. The same speak tells you that its important to stay in the situation until the panic subsides and tells you it will subside. That was the plan beforehand. In the moment I was thinking differently. I had three choices: Call my wife from the car and ask her to take me home, try sitting it out for as long as I could stand or get out and join them. The latter was the least appealing but after a few minutes I decided it might help burn off some adrenaline.
I got my camera out and tried to put the breathlessness, weakness and shaking and alarm bells to the back of my mind. I got to the water edge and took photos of things. It was busy. Lots of people circuiting- walking, with dogs or jogging. Going in both directions. Lost to me as I tried to focus on photography but allow the panic to keep raging in the background. Thoughts. Its all thoughts. I was in no danger but in my head where I was in relation to home kept blinking through my thoughts and setting off panicky. Eventually I caught up with my family and made it halfway around the loch. Logic would say making it all around then would be simple but I didn't. I had to turn back. When I got back to the car even though I had taken my time deliberately my family had hardly moved. They were feeding ducks. Another wave of panic. I really needed this to be over soon and they were not moving. I had to phone and ask if they could move it along. I felt bad for doing so after but at the same time the thought of being trapped there and having to wait 15-20 minutes in that state was too much. Or more if they stayed feeding the ducks.
Eventually I went to meet them as I walked the other way around and then my wife decided to take the kids to the play park. Still the panic raged on. It bobbed up and down like rough seas. My little boat was sinking the longer it was thrown about. An hour passed. An hour of panic. In total almost 3 miles walked. I joine them in the swing park. And suddenly nothing. No panic. Only calm. Weird. It just went. An hour of panic fluctuating between full blown and very high. It just went. We stayed about 5 minutes longer even though from there I could have stayed a couple of hours more I felt. At that point I knew the panic was over and not coming back. If only for that night.
It proved to me though that it can be done. Its not easy but it can be done just like self help says. But doing it is not easy. As good as it was to feel that calm even now some days later I have no wish to try it again any time soon. In truth I have been shattered since. Adrenaline really takes it out of you. That allied with all the walking I am doing has completely floored me. I will do it again but think I need to be in the right frame of mind first. At least I saw the waves settle and my little boat bob no more. I need a bit more of that. Heading in the right direction at least.
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